1

Tear Drop

I can't anymore. I just can't. It seems like everything I do or everywhere I turn, I'm the bad guy or getting into a fight with my family. I love my life, trust me I do. But at the same time, I don't know if I want to be in it anymore. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like I'm wasting my life not just arguing with my family, but also with myself as well. All I do is read my book, go in my room and cut my family out instead of my friends that's not helping me go somewhere in life. Cutting my family out is the worst. but somehow, I'm doing something that makes me take that route. Lately, cutting myself out my own life is good for some reason but I feel like I have a hole inside of me everywhere. I'm shutting everyone out. My family would say that cutting people out your life is not good because I have people who love me. To me, that's a lie. The reason why they love me is that I can be the nicest, mannerable, person you ever met in this world. But I have a dark side too. Pieces. Puzzles. So many puzzle pieces,where you don't know which piece goes to which spot. While you're putting the pieces together, you steady trying to figure out the image that you're putting together. That's how I'm comparing my life right now! There's so many pieces missing, it's to the point where I wanna give up on putting it together. There's so many things you can do as a 18 year old teenager. Yes, I know that as a (child) as a adult would call it. You still have responsibilities. Yes, I understand that. The main part as a child, is to (stay young). I can't do that!! I've been doing totally backwards. I've been trying to do all my responsibilities all at one time. See me, I've been trying to do adult thinking when it comes to my responsibilities. I've been comparing my responsibilities as a bill or buying the newest phone or etc. I've been trying to do one time payments on my responsibilities so I don't have to do it or go through it later on!!! Yet again, that's my problem. And everytime I do the one time payment, it's always another bill coming behind you. If you get what I'm saying. Anyway, I want a normal life!!! I had a normal life . All I had to do was stay in one place and keep my mouth shut. No I felt like I wanted to be heard and think that it was ok for me to do that. It wasn't. When people do what they wanna do, they actually get away with it. They can talk and be heard about this and that. When it comes to me, people don't care about what I have to say. Not even my own family. No friends or nothing. I tried so much to either make friends and do stuff to be their friends but it was all a joke at first. (Remind you, this is when I was little.) I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I wanted to fit in sooo bad. I couldn't!! So I try to move somewhere where I thought I can be heard. I did!! When I moved, I was accepted as friends and I found happiness!! But obviously that was a lie too!! I couldn't even try to do anything!! So me, putting my life together like puzzle pieces, I was thinking I was going to fast. So I decided to sit back and look at what I'm doing to til the pieces show up. In other words, I'm going to actually sit back and stay to myself until theirs an opportunity waiting for me. I try to make my life simple and easy for me but someway, somehow, it's not working. I know that life is not going to be easy and go the way it's supposed to go, but I really want to be successful and I can't with all these distractions. It's life don't want me to be successful. It's like life don't want me to put the pieces together. And I'M TIRED OF IT!!