Chasm of souls

Chapter 1 - Anniversary Day

Today was a peculiar day. Before I managed to drag myself out of bed, I felt uneasy being roused. You can imagine the perception of a disease growing inside without you being capable of refusing their existence. I attempted to relieve the tension as I massaged my chest, but the more thought I gave it, the more I sensed it suppressing my heart. Each heartbeat inside me turns more potent, trying to break the barricade obstructing the little piece of joy left inside this body. The pulsing sensation wrestled with my abdomen causing me to be nauseous and revolted.

Swiftly, I grabbed the box loaded with colorless pills and devoured them without considering my sudden action. The diabolical phantom inside me suddenly altered, slowing down the heartbeats and withdrawing the pressure on the brisk bars inside my sanity. The feeling of despair gradually withered away. I was already drained of the vitality left inside my body and I haven't even gotten out of bed, I thought as I went to the closet. 

Today was the first day in college after the summer break. It was a new chapter in life because we, as in me and my mom, moved across the country. I had some obstacles crossing my mind whenever I decided to let my mind recall the atrocious memories we had back there. Some things are not meant to be remembered because they let the hidden scars reappear again. Anyways, this is not the time to dwell on the thoughts circling my mind and I promised myself from today and forward that I will never try to relive my past ever again. 

As usual, my mother was gone by the time I woke up because she is working two jobs to acquire enough money for rent and letting me perceive the feeling of having a normal teenage life, even though I lost it a long time ago. I strolled downstairs and the sensation of desolation crossed my mind. They say once you mastered the sentiment of being alone, you are ready for the company of others. When the only heart beating is this house belonged to me, it wasn't something I could not take. 

This date was an unforgettable day, filled with the feeling of a blistering inferno, perhaps what others call to panic.  But when you are alone, who will you contact? In the ashes, I hear the universe begging me to rise. I've been trying to do it all my life, conquering this torment again and again. Heretofore everyone thought I rose on the wings of flames beating my frantic mind. Everyone thought I was unbreakable. What they didn't see was how I broke myself down a hundred times a day. All they saw was the light and warmth on the outside, but on the inside was an endless battle against the shadows endlessly burning my soul, demanding me to act carelessly. When you have a persistent sense of heart-wrenching and being restless, the physical sensation becomes intolerable, and you will do anything to make those feelings disappear. The inexplicable disfigurements on my arms, close to the artery, gave me a delusional sensation of relief which brimmed my mentality with the aspiration of the devil disappearing from my body. To this day, I recall my mother's face, the moment she saw the crimson colors streaming down my wrists, around my barely conscious body. She is the reason I'm still standing in this room. 

"Stop this madness, Tristan" 

I chuckled mournfully as I brushed my teeth. I can pull myself to standing, I always can, yet a droplet broke free and the rest followed in an unbroken stream. I sat on the floor pressing my palms on the mat, I began to whimper with the force of a person vomiting on all fours. 

"I don't understand anything anymore, everything inside me feels like a distortion blurring my mind from reality!"

 I screamed desperately before I managed to drag myself back up on two. I looked myself in the mirror, staring at my ash-colored eyes, marked with endless branches colored red. My chestnut brown hair looked electro-shocked, which to my surprise looked incredibly satisfying. I remember staring at myself, for what felt like hours before I realized the school bus was ten minutes away from my home, and I haven't even managed to brush my teeth.