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april 11th, 2020
dear yoongi,
whole world is lifeless, people are afraid in their house, afraid to lose their grip on life at any given moment. at this very second, someone might be taking their last breath, and all i can do is feel sympathy for them & their families, who would have to carry the burden of living with the memories of those who are gone. but i'm ashamed to say that i'm relieved, at least i can breathe a little slower now. i know i'm being selfish. but everyday, i was tired of breathing, taking another breath was becoming suffocating. i had no time to think about myself. i was sad but i didn't know why? i was broken but i didn't know why? and i hated myself for it over and over again, and then i started to pity myself, the only emotions i felt for myself was either hatred or pity, it was like a never ending cycle.
i talked to myself today, so i came here to talk to you too. it's been so long since i last wrote to you. i was patient with myself today, i felt an ounce of apology towards myself but more than anything i felt proud of myself for surviving. well, i won't lie, my reflection still didn't look pretty to me in the mirror but at least i didn't feel ugly.
although it was never intended to, i have used you to feel a little less uncomfortable under my own skin. and i refuse to use you as a coping mechanism anymore because i love you, maybe not romantically or perhaps romantically? but what i know for now is that i love you yoongi, if that makes any sense.
you entered my life through your voice and just like that you brought sun to my inner winter. you were my only warmth in a cold dessert and from now on carrying you in my heart, i will try to become my own home. this diary has always been my comfort, my safe place but i won't be coming back to it, this is the last letter i'm writing here. but there's a question that will always linger in my mind. your piano surely felt blessed to be loved by you, i wonder how would you feel to be loved by someone like me?
