Storybook | random stories written

Miserable

Laying next to you, inspecting every inch of your not-to-me perfect face. As much as I wished it was. This right here, is something I regret. I should love you and choose you over him. But I can't. No matter how much I try to get rid of the thought of him. I couldn't let it go, since he has been stuck up there for the last couple years, even tho he is no good for me, while you are.

You know, it's always like that. You want something that you can't have because it just has the sweet imagination, that sweet flair of something you could have had- in another place, in another time. We parted from our ways, from wanna-be lovers to strangers who where still friends. At least one of us desperately trying to hold on on the small trace of 'what if'. Somehow driving each other insane with every second we spend together. You giving me your jacket, driving me around, me dressing up for you, making sure I look best for you. You made me happy, you made me love myself for a while. You made me like school because I always went there for you, just to admire you every second I got to lay my eyes on the perfect you.

I always knew we would never end up together. Me being that huge emotional mess, keeping everything shut until one day I explode and take everything and every single one down with me. While you were 'Mister-Perfect', having a seems like perfect loving family, perfect grades and, sadly, a loving girlfriend. Even though 'us' is far behind in time now, I still catch myself looking for you in the waves of students walking through the hallways of our depressing-looking school. Every time I see you, my heart still skips a beat and shatters right after because of the fact that I know you're happy without me. That's at least what I think it is. You do definitely deserve it, even tho I hate thinking about the fact you're better off without me in your life- at least without me playing a too much important role. In fact, I don't think I matter as much in your life, even tho I can tell there was always a kind of chemistry between us, driving me insane every time I look at you or touch you by 'accident'. Never in the last few years did you leave my mind. And I hate and love it at the same time. Your to me perfect face and everything else, it's something that will probably haunt me forever because I know, you're the one for me. 

Well, and now I'm laying next to him. Feeling a stinging pain of regret in my heart. Disappointed in myself by the fact, that I'm searching for you in him. And no matter how much I try to forget you and move on, I can't get rid of the thought of you. It's almost like I'm an addict for you. I'm miserable, indeed because it's you what I want most. And the worst thing is, I can't even possibly find the right one for me, because I know the right one has been there all this time and it's not any of them or him, it's you. Every imagination of you haunts me whenever I am trying to build something with someone who isn't you. But it never works out. I don't think I'll ever be able to escape you. The insane thought of us actually ending up together, saying 'F U' to everyone and have a run away moment, knowing we will probably end up breaking up anyways because it still isn't meant to be, no matter how much I want it- want you. 

The worst thing besides all of that is that it kills me. Every time I try to get away from you, I fall back into a fantasy-world created by my desperate mind. The imagination of being with you haunting me forever. Besides that, I also don't want to be the one telling him that I just can't imagine ever being with him because what on earth could I possibly say? Something like: 'Hey, listen. I can't be with you no matter how hard I try. It surely has nothing to do with you, trust me, it's just that there is a special someone who I want to be with. I can't, so that's hard for me.' 

I can't constantly run away from actually building a serious relationship in my life but since I kept imagining my future with you, already planning out everything possible, it's hard to imagine that with someone who isn't you. Now that I'm looking at him, sleeping, lost in his own mind, dreaming, I realize that this right here is not what I want. It never felt right, it never will. While you are someone I would love to spend the rest of my life with, he just feels sort of like a huge waste of time, never filling that small left space in your heart longing for you. 

That is probably the reason why I keep failing every relationship I ever try to build. It's probably also the reason why I keep searching for different things in different men, never finding you in them because somehow, none of them reminds me enough of you. None of them looks like you, looks at me like you, gives me compliments as you, is as curious and sweet as you. None of them is you and it drives me insane. Insane might actually be the keyword for my obsession with you. While I wouldn't call love an obsession. Somewhere it is an obsession just as much as things like drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. Things that make you being miserable for wanting more of it, developing an addiction-like feeling. 

And as I stand up, get dressed and look at him the last time, I know that this right here, with him, was never something I really wanted. I searched for you in him and I didn't find you. Silently taking his phone, deleting my phone number, unfollowing me on every social media account I shared with him, deleting the pictures of us, making it easier for him to forget someone in his life that would never be able to show him the world like he expected me to do. Looking at him once again, silently putting his phone back down next to him and walking out to my car. Leaving him with the slightest, soft smell of my perfume on his bedsheets. A mesmerizing smell that hopefully would leave him just as soon as he wakes up to an empty bed, then checking his phone and wondering if all of it ever even happened because I won't leave a trace of my existence behind. It's better for him and for me. 

As I leave him behind, I know I'm not done yet. And I know I'll keep searching for you, no matter how long it will take, I'll find you- Only you.