AWAKE.

4. On My Block

After 6 weeks of having my sister help me bath, dress and basically become my dependent, I was finally getting my cask removed. The doctor had cleared me for most basic activities and I no longer needed to live with Leigh anymore. She was a wonderful host, even having Craig around made my life easier. Their love for each other was completely different from the love Derek and I had. They would do whatever for each other just to make sure each other were happy, while Derek and I only did enough for each other to make sure the other would stay around. As much as I've enjoyed my stay, I was ready for my own space.
I had decided to stay in Cleveland. Leigh was pregnant and I wanted to be there for her and the baby like she has been for me. On top of that, every law firm and anyone I knew in California probably has heard about what happened to me and Derrick. I wasn't ready to deal with the questions and whispers just yet. Leigh was able to secure me an apartment in the same building as her, that way we weren't too far if either of us needed each other. All of my banking had officially been moved to a bank in Cleveland and I even managed to have some company transport my car down here. After we left the hospital, Leigh and I went furniture shopping and she allowed me to drive her car. The feeling of being behind the wheel of a luxury car was exhilarating. Felix had offered to buy me a car and pay for my furniture but I declined his offer. I didn't want to own too many things that came with his dirty money.
Leigh somehow found her way in the kids furniture section at Levin's Furniture Store. We didn't know the gender yet but we both were hoping for a girl. I haven't told anyone about the dream I had about Derrick and the little girl, but I thought about it often. Since I lost out, I was living my dream through Leigh. She wanted to me to throw her a Gender Reveal party, usually I'd tell her no, but I was just as excited at finding out her baby's gender as she was. I let her browse as I signed papers for a bedroom set and a matching living room and dining room set. My new apartment had two bedrooms but I hadn't decided on what I wanted to do with the extra room. I didn't know if I wanted to get back on track of becoming a lawyer so an office wasn't needed at the moment. When the time was right, I would decide what to do with it.

"Look at this crib," Leigh tells me as I walk back up to meet with her. "It transform into a toddler bed and twin size bed so the baby can grow with it."

"That's nice." I smile at her, unamused at the pink color crib because it wasn't like she could buy it right now. "You ready to go?"

"Dang, you done that fast?" She looked at me surprised and I shake my head. "Well I guess now we should go shopping for decorations."

"I'm not moving in until this weekend. I'm unemployed, I can do that the day of."

"Fine." Leigh pouted like she did when she was a kids and didn't get her way. "You're no fun to shop with."

"It's just not something I'm interested in doing for an entire day." I tell her as we walk out of the store.

"What are you going to do today then?" She asked.

"I have a few things I need to handle." I answer honestly. "Just trying to practice being on my own."

"In other words, you don't want me to tag along." Leigh spits out. "That's okay, I have a couple of things to check out at the salon. I don't need your company anyway." She teases me, causing me to smile.

Leigh was in the middle of opening up her own hair salon but paused the process of it to take care of me. Now that she was expecting a baby, she was already planning on moving her business out of her home so that her child had a room of their own. We went our separate ways when we got back to her apartment. I grabbed my keys and sat inside my Mazda truck for the first time in months. It felt brand new, like I had never drove it. I remember when Derrick first took me to the car lot, he tried to persuade me to get one of the more expensive cars and I was thankful I didn't. He would have end up owning some part of that and the Vance's probably would have found a way to confiscate that too.
The past few weeks, I've discovered a few things about the Vance family. When I looked up Derrick's obituary, it mentioned nothing about me. All of their social media post that I had been tagged in or pictures of me, had been wiped like they never existed. The condo that Derrick and I had shared had been sold a few days after Derrick's funeral. I tried to contact Denise, only to find out that my number had been blocked by the entire family. It was like I never existed in California at all and that hurt. I considered them family and I thought it was the same for them, but I was wrong. Sometimes when I see the twins conversing with their extending family, Trent and his mother, it made me a bit sad. Thinking about it all now was making me emotional so I decide to start my car and started driving in the direction of my destination.
As I drove through the streets of Fleet Avenue, I noticed the very few changes that had been made. They had fix some of the streets and there were new stores, but nonetheless, it was still the same ole block. The McDonald's I spent mornings at before getting on the city bus to go to school had been remodel but the same types of people still hung around it. The library I use to walk to with the twins for free lunch during the summer looked a lot more vacant then it use to be before. I parked my car when I pulled up to the home I grew up in. Someone had flipped it and a woman was carrying in groceries with her two daughters helping her out. They stare at my car suspiciously but decided I was harmless after a little while.
I made a promise to myself to never step foot in that house ever again and I was proud of myself for actually doing so. Though it was a place where a lot of fond memories happened, it also was a dark place that felt like hell sometimes. It was the same place I lost my mother at. I've always felt like I was more motherless than the twins. They always had me to run to when they accidentally fell or got hurt, but I didn't have anyone. When I was in pain, the only place I could run to is to the bathroom to wash away the tears so that they wouldn't have to see them. The twins were just entering high school when I went off to college, but I was much younger than them when I had to learn how to fiend for myself, plus them. I figured they would be okay, especially since they had family on their father side in close distance. I never thought that being okay would mean getting involved with dealing, the exact thing that contributed to other mother being basically absent in our lives.
The twins told me that our mother was staying at the Smith house whenever she decided to check herself out of rehab. The Smith family were full of drug addicts of all kinds and there was no secret to anyone in the neighborhood about what went on when someone lived there. I understood that they didn't have any control on my mother's life and it weren't their responsibility to look after her, but at least they still did. Apparently Felix had a few people in the neighborhood looking out for her and he would stop by to visit her whenever he could. Sometimes she was sober, sometimes she was too high to speak, but he still tried to be there for her.
I finally drive away from our old house and drive to where I remembered the Smith family stayed. With Thanksgiving being next week, the streets were starting to get colder so there weren't many people hanging outside on the porch. For the few minutes I stay there, I watch a few people walk in and out of the house, but none of them was my mother. I decided I was done reminiscing about the bad memories and made my way back to Leigh's apartment, but just as I drove past the old corner store, I finally spot her. She was yelling at some teenage boys, probably young drug dealers, and they were just making fun of her. I pulled into the parking lot and only decided to step out the car when I saw one of them get in her face.