Something New

Chapter 17

*Dez POV*

I can't believe she just dumped me. Over some drugs she found in my closet. She didn't even fully let me explain. She blew it out of proportion. I know it looks bad but it ain't that bad. What kind of rational thinking is it to say hmm my uncle sells drugs. He won't tell me he sells drugs but I know he sells drugs but he doesn't do it in front of me so I don't care. But when it's me I'm a dumbass and I'm jeopardizing her.

I slumped back on the bed. Adrian started calling so I assume word has traveled to them
Me: Yes
Adrian: You alright
Me: I fucked up. Gotta take that L with dignity
Adrian: acting like you don't care is just as bad as caring too much
Me: I didn't even get to explain myself
Adrian: I know Oshin is teying to convince her to go hear you out. She really in here trying to calm Z down
Me: Z there
Adrian: No but she's on a FaceTime call with my wife and Oshin
Me: I didn't think it would blow up like this
Adrian: where'd you get the drugs
Me: swear you won't tell Z
Adrian: Dez I still have secrets from middle school
Me: her uncle
Adrian: her huh
Me: I sell drugs for her uncle
Adrian: she definitely can't know that
Md: yeah that's why I'm letting her go
Adrian: the girl or the rap and you pick rap
Me: Im picking her that's why Im letting her go
Adrian: explain
Me:she doesn't want to be involved so she won't be simple as that
Adrian: thats not simple you wrote a song about your sex life. She means a lot to you
Me: which is why I don't want her in this mess. She's right. If something pops off in the drug game she doesn't deserve to be caught up in it. I never thought I'd be in this but if something happens to me and indirectly her, her uncle would kill me
Adrian: I see
Me: So as much as I want to beg her to stay it is important that she stays safe. She's got a job she loves and I'll never forgive myself if I fuck that up
Adrian: I see you've made up your mind well take care and I'll call in the morning
Me: They still on the phone
Adrian: Yeah
Me; Well at the end of the day. She's entitled to her feelings and I screwed up
Adrian; don't be too hard on yourself. It's a cut throat industry you gotta come into with money. You doing what you gotta do. I see both sides to this argument. I'm not gonna take sides per say because Princess is her friend and happy wife happy life but just know I got your back
Me: yeah I dont want no one taking sides. We're all adults here
Adrian: aight keep your head up. Love you homie
Me: Love you too G

I hung up the phone and threw it on the bed. Damn she is so bad and I fumbled the bag like that. I got her to finally admit she like women and I fumble like this. I screwed myself by fucking her and selling drugs with her Uncle. Dammit. Just as I put her career before this relationship I'm putting mine before it. I can't release the song about her but I gotta make new music. I put my hand in my pocket and felt the drive. I sighed and put it in my drawer. Never to be destroyed and never to be released.

I poured myself a drink and rubbed my face. I lit a blunt and got dressed. I grabbed the bag and got in my car. I drove to the club and headed backstage.

"Here on business" The owner smiled at me

I motioned to my bag and sat down on the couch.
He nodded and went out to tell my customers I was there. Soon I had sold out and I decided to head back home. Man this is a lonely feeling. To want to be with someone but accepting it's best if you stay away. Its also a conflicting feeling to know the uncle she idolizes does what I do large scale but I sell a little weed and thats us finished. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me numb. We were in a whirlwind romance and it all came crashing down over some weed. Thats some bullshit. That whole thing about if something pops off she doesn't want to be involved. Same could go for her uncle. She isn't completely in the dark. She knows he does some shit. He wouldn't let her fall with him though however neither would I. Why does her rationale not make much sense to me. He can do it but I can't. Maybe this is more than she's letting on. This can't just be about drugs. There's something more. Maybe she realized she's not gay and got scared and the drugs were her way out. Maybe she heard the song got freaked and the drugs were her way out. Maybe the drugs were the reason and I want to convince myself this isnt my fault. She didn't leave because of something I did. She left because of her. Her own mind convinced her to leave and she did.

I want to feel angry. I want to cry. I want to do something but I just feel numb. I just feel all I can do is lay here and wish I never met her Uncle. Wishing he never introduced me to selling. To this money. This money.
I looked at the bag. Is my rap career really worth this. I could stop I have enough money to really jumpstart my career. I don't need to keep selling. Maybe if I stop she'll come back.

No. She's hurt. That wouldn't work. There is no use beating myself up and racking on my brain on should've could've but didn't. I sighed and went to take a shower. Some of her stuff was still in here. Damn I really fumbled some bomb ass pussy and a bomb ass girl for this rap shit. After my shower I got dressed and sat at my desk. I opened my laptop and began typing my feelings out. By the end of my furious typing I typed out a poem.

Hello, How do you do?
Welcome to my Brain
Please remove your shoes
It's messy enough

Here in my brain
We have logical reasoning
And illogical reasoning
But don't tell me that
because you rarely know
What I'm thinking

Here in my brain
One mistake
Equals my life is going
All to hell
Gee isn't that swell

Here in my brain
If someone is quiet
For way too long
Well then I
Must've done
Something wrong

Here in my brain
A +B doesn't always equal
AB sometimes it
equals Alphabet
That means
I find relations
In unrelated events
That's true torment

Enjoying the tour
Well there's more

Here in my brain
If I'm thinking
Irrational thoughts
And you tell me
I am
I argue why I'm right
What a delight

Here in my brain
The thoughts come
As words
Sometimes the words
Are jerks
They really give me
The works

Here in my brain
Is a place you'll
Never want to be
So don't try to
Understand me

I hope you enjoyed your tour
Well there's the door
Hmm what's that
You really want more
No one has asked that
Before

Come my friend
We'll continue
Don't mind the noise
Because here
In my brain
The yelling, never ends

I sighed and laid in bed. I miss you Z