The Call of The Sea

Emilie: 29th May

I did not write when I came in from the ball last night. I doubt that I had the mental capacity to do so. Now I shall relay to you all that has happened within these last hours; a great deal more than I had anticipated.

Surprisingly, my head was clear after my encounter with George. I had laid my offer on the table before him: my life, my companionship, my love. And he had refused it.

After the wondrous kiss we had shared, I had been sure of an acceptance. But clearly, I was naïve. George was an experienced man who could have any woman he desired. Why would he want me by his side?

With my self-esteem and confidence crumbled in a heap on the floor, I bumped into James. Intuitively, he knew something was wrong instantly. He directed me to Caterina's care and went to search for George.

We sat in silence although I noted Caterina's anxious glances in my direction. I had nothing to say and felt terribly weary. The ball, which had seemed so magical when I had first arrived, now seemed worn and tired as I was, and I only wished to escape to my nice warm bed.

Sometime later I heard James' voice distantly telling Caterina that George had left alone sometime before. I was not surprised but they could not know.

Unsurprisingly, sitting in a carriage with Mr Gasper was not on my list of things to do after that encounter. I sent a note to him and Mrs Truman, telling them I had met up with friends and would meet them at home. Mr Gasper knew I had no friends here in London, but I did not worry about his disapproval or reproach at this moment. That was an issue for the morning.

I survived the carriage ride home remarkably, even managing to arrange a visit to their house the next afternoon. James handed me out of the carriage on the steps of the town house Father had bought. What had once seemed so grand to me now seemed corrupted and dishonest. I had been disillusioned.

"Emilie?"

I turned my head slightly from regarding the building to indicate I was listening. "Yes James."

"What did he say?" James said slowly and gently.

Despite how I felt, I laughed. It all seemed quite comic; I had believed him to be in love with me when really, it had all been a fantasy. "Really James it is what he didn't say. I proposed an arrangement to him which he refused."

James sighed, lightly shaking his head. "He didn't tell you he loves you, did he?"

I smiled sadly. "Alas no. But James, I fear we have both been under a misconception; George doesn't love me. Why would he?"

James took hold of my shoulders. "Of course, he loves you, you silly girl! He loves your beauty, wit and daring. You are his match in every way."

Extracting myself from his grasp, I waved coolly to Caterina in their carriage. "Good night to you both. Thank you both for escorting me from the ball. I have had a highly informative evening."

I turned and walked into the house, suddenly longing for a lie down. In an automatic system, I prepared for bed and found myself staring at the ceiling in my room ten minutes later.

And that is when it hit me; I cried until daybreak. When I felt that all the tears had gone, more came until I could barely breathe. I was lost in a treacherous sea of love, never hoping to see shore again.

After little to no sleep, I got out of the bed the next morning and prepared for my fate. Mr Gasper would undoubtedly call for an explanation as to last night's events; in truth, I felt sorry for the gentleman. I did not love him and knew now that I never would. Whatever else George had said last night, I knew that his words on my future life were true. It was only fair to let Mr Gasper find another wife better suited to him.