To Be A Prize

Chapter 12

"I can't do this anymore," I say to the room, "sit here and talk about this any longer. I'm going to bed." Pushing my chair back and standing up. The boys around the table don't look too surprised at this as we've now been sat here talking for what feels like hours. As I stand, Dream's hand recoils from my lap and I catch him watching my thighs and he quickly looks away.

They watch my hips sway as I leave and I call over my shoulder, "I'm sleeping in my room, in my bed, so you guys can figure out where you'll be sleeping, I don't care anymore."

"Whatever you say, Boss," Punz says sarcastically, a smirk on his lips

Now alone in my room, formerly mine and Karl's room but for now I can only think of it as mine and not another reminder of the boy I once knew, I take deep breaths.

I don't even know what time it is after all that has happened these past couple of days. I'm so exhausted and confused, its all I can do to pull off my clothes and clamber between the sheets. The soft duvet hugging me from all sides as my head is massaged by the pillow.

As soon as my eyes fall shut, I'm asleep.

I awake at some point in the night as a slither of light envelops the former darkness of the room.

Then I hear footsteps softly on the carpet and I keep my eyes shut, scared to open them to see who's come in.

Whoever it is sits down on my bed causing the mattress to sink slightly. Their hand hovers over my leg which has escaped the covers through tossing and turning in my sleep, but as if they decide against it, the hand moves no further and instead rests in the intruder's lap.

They then rest their head in their hands and the light shifts in a way that I can now see whose it is.

Karl takes deep, haggard breaths and begins to talk. "y/n, I'm so so sorry. All I've ever wanted, since the moment I first saw you, was to love you like I knew you deserved to be loved. To protect you and care for you. But I've let you down. I've hurt you, and worst of all," he draws in a sob as if his throat is preventing him from getting the words out, "worst of all I've scared you. And in doing so, I've scared myself because I no longer recognise who I am anymore. I let jealousy and passion cloud my vision until I ruined the beautiful relationship we had built together. This is all my fault."

At this he pauses, like what he's about to say is the hardest thing he has ever said in his life. As he talks I am reminded of the old Karl and I feel my heart repairing itself in an attempt to begin to forgive him.

Tears brim in his eyes and its all I can do to stop myself from kissing them away and comforting him as I've done so many times before. "So I've made the decision to leave. You need your space to heal and I need mine to become the man you need me to be."

Karl goes to stand up but I stop him by sitting up in bed and grabbing his hand, wet with tears.

"No," I say, realising that I too am crying, "you can't leave me. Please."

He takes my face in his hands and meets my eyes, his lip quivering with emotion. He places a delicate kiss on my forehead as if to apologise once more as he gets up and walks towards the door.

My body acts before my mind can keep up and suddenly I'm standing up, halfway across the room at Karl's side. I grip his arm and bring my forehead to touch his own, tears still streaming down my face.

"Please," I say, "don't go. I need you."

I look up at him, my vision blurred as salty droplets collect on my long eyelashes. I suck my bottom lip in and push myself closer to his body and I feel his chest rise and fall, pressed against me.

"No, I have to," he whispers, his lips just inches away from mine, "you know I do."

"All I know is if you leave me, if you walk through that door, whatever we are or were meant to be will be gone forever." I wrap my arms over his shoulders and force him to look at me. He holds eye contact with me for what feels like a century before dropping his gaze to my lips. Karl's hands run up my back, sending shivers down my spine as my breath catches in my throat, before they settle on my hips, squeezing gently.

"Please, Karl," I whimper, savouring his name in my mouth like a sugar.

One of his hands drifts up to wrap around my throat, grazing my left breast on the way up. An excited breath escapes my mouth as he draws in nearer, bending down to whisper in my ear, "I said no."

All contact between us ceases as he turns around and walks out the room.

I sink down to the ground and sit on the floor where he left me, crying in the dark, bewildered by what has just happened.

A minute ago I hated him for being there, now, I hate him for leaving. Although I feel betrayed and hurt by Karl, I still love him deeply and his leaving brings me back to the first moment I saw that stupid journal and the hurt I felt deep in the pit of my stomach at reading that I had been used as a chess piece in a game.

I weep for the loss of our relationship and the boy I once knew. I weep for friends who betrayed me and a boyfriend who broke me. And more recently, I weep for Karl's leaving, and the little voice inside of me that is telling me to follow him.