Thoughts

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17

"We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking." - Santosh Kalwar

~Trigger Warning~

"Respect!" barks Edhelel, who is watching me keenly. "Albia, would you be willing to share more of your gift today?" She asks me formally.

Focus. I take a breath, then another. My secret's out and I can't afford to alienate this tribe, especially since they seem to be a major power in this valley. Drawing myself up, I nod.

After that, it's surprisingly orderly. The goblins who need my help line up and I touch each one. My gift flares in white light and my patients walk away on healed limbs or with strengthened babies, each promising something in exchange later.

It's very satisfying to see their wounds heal and with so little effort, to know that I have a string of gifts and favours coming my way. When I straighten at last, it's with a smile of pleasure.

"Very good!" says Edhelel approvingly. "Albia, Valindra, will you not stay the night?"

"No," says Valindra abruptly. She stands. "We must be getting back to the Tree. Here, Albia, take Lindor." I place Lindor back in his sling and make one last head bob to Edhelel.

"Goodbye, Lady Healer!" The goblins all wave and I wave back, smiling.

Valindra isn't pleased though, as we move along the tree-way back to the house. "Dammit," she mutters. "That Edhelel. She always knows everything ahead of time. I was hoping we could keep that gift of yours a secret, Albia. Now the whole valley's going to know!"

I wonder why she's so upset. Is she jealous of the attention my gift is bringing me? Or is she just possessive? She does seem to be enjoying my company. Maybe she doesn't want to share, or she thinks I'm getting above myself or that it's going to attract unwanted attention.

Well, it's too late now, I think as we descend the ladder back into the house, past the level of spiders. The goblins know and I healed dozens of them today. I should probably be nervous about this — miraculous healing isn't conducive to hiding for one's life — but instead, I feel a strange glow: I healed them.

I made a difference today, all on my own.

I go to bed happy and I'm completely unprepared for the nightmares.

Hands, crawling all over me, rough and ruthless. Barathalion's voice, whispering my old name. The awful weight on me, the earth all around me. And then I'm sinking, sinking, suffocating under layers of earth and stone and Barathalion's hands won't stop-

I wake up with a silent scream ripping through my throat. I scream and scream as I bolt upright in the bed, while Valindra sleeps soundly beside me and Lindor snuffles in his cradle. Silently, I shriek in the darkness of the tree-house and it's a long time before I can make myself stop, drawing in breath after sobbing breath.

I curl up, huddling around myself in the darkness. Focus. Breathe. I'm here, not there. Barathalion is far away.

So how can I still feel him?

I lie back with a silent moan. I hate this so much. I hate Barathalion and I hate myself. I should have known better than to let him get me alone that night. Ari would have known better. Ari would have kept herself safe. But not me. Why was I so stupid? Why am I always so stupid?

But really, how was I to know he would assault me? Why would I suspect he would do such a thing? Naela was right: he's a prince. If he'd asked for me, I couldn't have refused. Even Myriil wouldn't have dreamed of saying no. He could have used me for as long as he liked, free of consequences. He had no need to rape me.

Then I remember his snarled command: "Don't make a sound, Xara. Don't ruin it." And earlier: "That silence...so intoxicating."

Barathalion didn't even want the pretence of a consensual relationship. He wanted to hurt me. He liked my silence, my self-annihilation. He wanted to force himself on me in every sense, to break my passive resistance, to completely dominate me, to break me.

Could it be? That the silence I undertook as self-protection was my downfall?

Tears track across my face, slipping onto the pillow. Why am I always so dumb? Keya, Naela, Ari and Myriil were all utterly correct in thinking of me as a complete weakling. Everyone was right. Now, I have to live with the consequences of that weakness forever.

Silence excited Barathalion's interest, led to my rap and now I'm silent for the rest of my life. I couldn't tell my family a thing even if they were here. Barathalion will never face any consequence for what he did.

My family. For the first time, guilt stabs: I left without so much as a farewell note. They must still be frantic; I know Myriil at least was actively looking for me. But, selfishly and cowardly, I can't bear the thought of facing them again, any of them. Not with that between me and them. Not at Court.

I take a deep breath and let it out again. Perhaps it's for the best. No doubt they're all upset but maybe, when all the fuss dies down, my sisters can get on with their lives now that they don't have to look after me.

Keya can leave Faerie as she's always wanted to do and move in with that human lover of hers — what was her name again? Irabel, that's it. Keya can go live with Irabel. Ari can concentrate on her studies and become a knight, according to her ambition.

Naela too will get on with her life and I daresay Myriil will find something else to do. I don't doubt that they're afraid and unhappy about me right now, but they'll move on. They're the strong ones after all.

Lindor stirs and starts to cry. I get out of bed and pick him up, a warm, squirming bundle. He's hungry. As I hand him over to a sleepy Valindra, I feel just the slightest bit better.

I may be weak and broken, but here at least, I can help.

~Fun Fact~

The brooding silence in the Twilight movies adds up to exactly 26 minutes.

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