Fate/Elysion

Chapter 4 - Caster

"This is really strange, you're right..." Enkidu said with their typical detachment.

I had told them everything that had happened with Sexta and their reaction was quite disappointing, I have to be honest. Enkidu had such a singular attitude that at times they seemed to give no importance to what was happening around them. I didn't know what had happened—or rather I knew, but I didn't know how to explain it to myself—and then I had not yet understood what my powers as a magus were. I mean, if I was in the Holy Grail War I had to have some magical ability... but I still had nothing. I knew I was an amateur, but my memory stopped there. What was taught to me? I didn't know. What books of magic had I read? I didn't remember that. Had I ever used magic? Maybe, but I couldn't focus on that memory.

"How do you feel, An?"

"An, huh?"

That wasn't my name. Sexta called me 'Nihil', I didn't have the memories but I knew the meaning of that word. The word 'nihil' comes from Latin and means 'nothing' or 'emptiness'. Not the ideal name, but it screamed a story whose blurry image alone terrified me.

"Enkidu..." I said "I'm afraid."

"About what, An?"

"About what I am. Of what I could be. The way in which Sexta treated me..."

"Does it really matter, An?"

"Yes it does—"

"No, it doesn't."

"How can you say that with so much certainty? What do you know, to begin with? You don't know anything about me, you have no idea who I am—"

"Neither do you."

"That's not the point!" I exclaimed aloud. "You know very well what I mean..."

"An, you think too much about what you were and too little about what you could be. Those who become obsessed with their past are destined to rot, we must always look forward and evolve as Nature does around us."

"Easy to say..."

"Your skepticism worries me, An."

"What do you expect me to say? Don't you realize what's happening to me? I feel like I'm chained to a stone that I can't see. How else can I describe this feeling I'm experiencing?"

"An..."

"Why is this happening to me...?" I couldn't hold back the tears. "I can't understand..."

Enkidu hugged me. "It's okay, An, it's going to be okay." They stroked my head and hugged me with the same tenderness of a mother.

"I'm afraid, Enkidu..."

"An, you cannot live in fear, otherwise it will devour you to the bone. You have to react, An, you have to react to fear and be reborn. Your past doesn't matter, what matters is who you are now."

Their words were comforting to me, but they couldn't erase the pressing terror that gripped my thoughts with its chains. I felt like my every idea was forced in one direction, my mind was focused on that fear of my past. Enkidu's words, however kind and affectionate, could not dispel the fear that was now poisoning my body.

I left that embrace with a smile and thanked Enkidu, continuing to keep those dynamic and dark emotions in my heart.

We returned to the cave.

The quick berry breakfast quenched that non-existent appetite, but it could not dispel that constant worry that began to wander through my thoughts like a ghost. I needed to relax. Without saying anything to Enkidu, I decided to head towards the lake and, after taking off my clothes, I immersed myself in that cold water.