Daylight [Breakable Heaven #2]

2. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you

I don't know for how long I've been hiding in my room with Sirius, wishing that Rory hadn't gone home, but at some point, my stomach starts to growl pretty loudly and I remember that I did at some point order a pizza, and it never got here. This means that I have to go downstairs, grab something to eat, and maybe even call the pizza place to seriously complain. I didn't order an ex-girlfriend, just a medium pizza half bacon and mushrooms, half jamon serrano and olives, was that really too much to ask? Apparently, it was!

I gather all my strength and go down the stairs, wondering if Lilian has maybe decided to leave again. It's what she does best, so why can't she do it now?

Unfortunately, luck doesn't seem to be on my side tonight, because really, I had planned a nice evening with my girlfriend, watching one of the cheesiest movies in lesbian cinematographic history, followed by some hot sex, but I ended up without my girlfriend and with my ex in my kitchen, eyeing a Domino's box on the counter.

"It arrived a few minutes ago. I was debating whether I should bring it to you upstairs," she says as soon as I step into the kitchen.

"Funny, I thought you were debating whether to leave again and disappear for months, like the last time you were here," I snap. Sarcastic bitch mode has been entered, there's no going back now.

"Sash," she sighs. "Let's just talk for a moment."

"You know what, Lilian? Let's not! I'm gonna eat my half of the pizza and let the other half get cold because you drove away the person who was supposed to eat it. The only thing that makes me happy is that you can't eat any of it because there's meat on both sides."

"When did you become such a bitch?" Lilian asks, and I can sense from the tone of her voice that she's hurt by my behavior. Good. I was hurt by hers, too, way more than she could ever imagine.

"I don't know, maybe around the same time you decided to vanish like a ghost inside a Muon Trap." I'm on a roll, it's like I can't stop being a bitch to her, like everything that comes out of my mouth is a snarky remark.

Lilian raises her hands in capitulation and she goes back to the living room while I eat the now cold pizza without really tasting it, not feeling all that hungry anymore. I'm just trying to buy myself some time before I have to finally face the music, one way or the other. I just really don't know what to do.

Having Lilian in my apartment unsettles me, and not just because she's just turned up out of the blue after a year of no contact while I was with Rory. It unsettles me because it feels at the same time unacquainted and familiar, like she's a complete stranger yet a person I've known for a thousand years. I don't like being this conflicted, not now that I've just reached a balance with Rory and that I was finally getting over Lilian. However, our last conversation wasn't exactly exhaustive and fulfilling, so her being here could be my chance to get that closure that has remained up in the air for way too long.

I'm just not ready to hear what she has to say yet. I wanted to do it on my own terms, not when she shows up without a warning. She had been the one dictating every step of our separation, and now she's once again calling the shot by ambushing me in my own home. She can't win, not this time.

Furthermore, I don't really understand what she could possibly want to talk to me about. It's over, she decided it, she disappeared, and when I went to talk to her she just turned the other way and blabbered some bullshit about not wanting to move and not being able to continue with our long-distance relationship. It wasn't much, but it was pretty clear to me, so there's nothing she can say to me that's going to change what she did.

On the other hand, she has flown all the way from Los Angeles just to see me, to be able to talk to me, so maybe I should at least listen to what she has to say. Not that I owe her anything, but it feels to me like common human decency. Yet again, she didn't bother showing the same kind of respect to me a year ago, so why should I? Why should I be the one taking the high road now?

I groan in frustration. I am no closer to getting to a decision than I was one hour ago. I wish Rory was here. Actually, I wish she had stayed here, I wish she had forbidden me to talk to Lilian, I wish she really had kicked Lilian's ass back to Los Angeles. But she didn't, and I can't help but admire her for the strength she showed by allowing me to make my own decision. I also understand why she left: with her by my side, I wouldn't have been able to think straight, to really ponder over what I want, because I would have already been content with just her by my side.

I know what I have to do. I know that, eventually, I'm going to let Lilian tell me what she has come all the way here to say because that can give me a definite closure. But not tonight. Not like this. I am not ready to talk to her, and I am not willing to let her make yet another decision in our relationship. It's not just pride, it's my way of taking control back.

I finally go to the living room, where Lilian is sitting on the couch, thumbing through Spanish Vogue, that I assume she has bought at the airport. It's always been a habit of hers, buying Vogue wherever she goes.

I sit on the other couch, taking a few deep breaths before I tell her to leave, but she beats me to it by starting the conversation.

"Was that your new roommates?" she asks, and I want to punch her in the face. I have to gather all my self-control not to rip her head off.

"Don't play dumb with me, Lilian. You know she's not my roommate, you know exactly what you interrupted tonight, so don't play games with me. And by the way, who Rory is to me is none of your business."

"You're right, I'm sorry," she apologizes. "I guess I just got jealous for a moment. And a little surprised. Out of all the people I imagined I could find you with, the Trybrid Bitch was not even on the list."

Lilian and Rory had briefly met once before today, when I stopped at school after the summer holidays two years ago to copy some material for a lesson, but Lilian has heard all about her from me and Jean. Now I regret confessing what our nickname for her used to be.

"Yeah well, things change in a year. I've changed, but apparently, you haven't. Always the one setting the terms, coming and going as you please without caring about what it can do to other people," I start getting angry again. Alright, I am not starting, I haven't really stopped being angry.

"Sasha, please. I just want to talk."

"Oh yeah?" I snort. Once again, the sarcastic bitch inside of me is ready to take the lead. "Funny, I wanted to talk to you for months, when I kept calling you, texting you, and emailing you without an answer. I wanted to talk to you when I went to Los Angeles, to our apartment, and you could barely look me in the eyes. Now you want to talk? Well, sucks to be you, because right now I don't want to talk to you, I don't even wanna share the same air as you, so please, get the fuck out of here."

She seems quite shocked by my choice of words. Good, that's exactly what I hoped for. She nods, gets up, and walks to me, handing over a business card.

"That's where I'm staying. I'll be here until you are ready to talk, so just... call me there - my old Spanish SIM card was deactivated and I haven't had the chance to buy a new one yet, as I came here straight from the airport. Or stop by."

"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you," I almost growl.

I wait a couple of minutes after she leaves, I run to my bedroom to get changed and out of my apartment. I know I told Rory I was going to text her and that we were going to hang out tomorrow, but I need to see her now. I need to be with her, so I can have the illusion that everything hasn't been turned upside down, that time stopped a few hours ago before Lilian decided to waltz back into my life.

I also need to show her that there's nothing to be afraid of. She acted so stoically because she understood I needed her to be strong for me while I was panicking, but I know that deep down she's probably freaking out. Rory is a jealous person, and leaving me with my ex must have been killing her. I want her to know that Lilian's appearance doesn't change anything between us, not tonight, not ever.

The moment she opens the door to her apartment my lips are on hers. She doesn't push me away, she doesn't ask for questions, she just clings to me as we clumsily stumble to her bedroom and fall on her bed. We make love for hours until we fall asleep, exhausted.