Daylight [Breakable Heaven #2]

9. I can live without you, I just don't want to

I'd be lying if I said that seeing Lilian doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Not because I'm still in love with her—I'm not—but she's been such a fundamental part of my life for so long, and then she just disappeared out of thin air, so now, having her in front of me, makes me feel weird. Whether that's a good weird or a bad weird is still up for debate.

I decided to have her come over to my place to talk. I have no idea how this conversation is going to turn out, and I'm not one for causing scenes in public. Besides, being here in my home means I can kick her out whenever I want to, or that I can take a break whenever I want to, retiring in my bedroom.

Jean has gone to Nathaniel, but she reassured me that she's just a phone call away and that she'll come back immediately if I need her to. As for Rory, we spent the night together, but then she left. We'll see each other tomorrow at school, but she told me I can call her tonight if I want to talk. I know it's not easy for her, but I appreciate the space she's willing to give me in this situation.

Lilian arrives after lunch. I buzz her in—or at least I think I buzz HER in, as our intercom is still broken. Will we ever fix the damn thing?

She looks calm and collected, so typical Lilian, and it kind of irritates the shit out of me, as I'm just the opposite of calm. I'm nervous, and I hope it doesn't show too much.

I take out two bottles of beer from the fridge. It's only three in the afternoon, but, as our old philosophy states, it's always beer o'clock. Lilian takes a sip and smiles.

"Not bad, Sash. Glad to see that your taste in beer hasn't changed. My teachings have stuck with you after all."

She has a point. When we first met I knew nothing about beer. I was a struggling college student with a very limited income, so I used to buy boxes of sixty cans of Budweiser at Costco because that was all I could afford. Over time, she taught me a lot and I acquired a refined taste in beer, and, as she said, it stuck. So if now I'm a beer snob, I owe it all to her.

"I buy it online," I shrug. "Anyway, you wanted to talk, right? So talk."

She sighs and takes a seat on the couch. I cross my arms and legs and wait.

"I'm sorry, alright?"

"You said that before," I spit. I'm so not going to make this easy for her, no matter what. She doesn't deserve it.

"I know. But I really am. Look, Sash... okay, let's start from the beginning. You know me, it's never been easy for me to trust people, to open up, to rely on someone else. When we first started dating I used to be very guarded, you remember that. It's just not in my nature to be trusting. Little by little you tore down my walls and I let you in, and it was worth it, it was so worth it. It wasn't easy, it has never been, but I figured it was necessary if I wanted a future with you. And I did, I really did."

"So you're saying it's my fault because you trusted me and then I went away?" I interrupt her, annoyed. This is already not going well.

She shakes her head. "Let me talk, please. It's not easy for me, too, you know?"

"Fine, continue," I gesture for her to go on.

"I'm not saying that you moving here wasn't hard, because it was. We went from living together to having an ocean between us, and adjusting was a bitch. But I figured it was only temporary. I thought you needed to have that experience and then you were going to come back to Los Angeles, and we could pick up where we had left off. When I realized you were happy here, happier than you had ever been in L.A. I understood you weren't coming back. And that's why I told you I was going to move here. I wanted you to be happy, to have the life you had always wanted, and if that life was here in Seville, then I would be the one moving. Besides, it's Europe, and I'm an art history major, so it could have been a wonderful possibility for me, too. I was really convinced we could build a great life here. I didn't know if we would ever go back to the US or not, but I didn't care that much. All I wanted was to be with you again."