Dark skinned Dreams

Absent.

Is it bad I wish my father was absent in my life?

Is it bad that I wish to fit that stupid stereotype of a fatherless black child?

Should I feel shame on myself that you aren't the father your supposed to be?

It felt weird growing up with you.

I could only describe you as a monster even from my earliest memories. We've never had a decent conversation. I was scared to talk until I was six because of you. You didn't even really hear me speak until I was seven.

It didn't hurt when you noticed me shut up when you entered the room?

It didn't hurt that your baby girl couldn't ever call you dad?

It didn't hurt when you saw my tears every time you yelled at me?

Sometimes I think your only human emotion is rage because how can one human cause so much pain and not think twice of it.

I think that sometimes it's my fault. That I just had to be doing something so wrong to make you hate me.

So I did everything in my power to make you like me.

At six, I'd sit on the floor next to your feet as you watched horror movies. You'd laugh at my fear and I'd sit quietly, almost crying just so I sit next to you.

At seven, I'd try to say hi to you when you entered the room because every time you'd scream at me for not acknowledging you. Mom would yell at you and say you know it's hard for me to talk but you didn't care.

At eight, the only way for us to communicate was playing Tetris. It was the one thing I could do with you that didn't need me to speak. I could sit quietly and across the room and peek at you as you won over and over again.

I can only look back and think how much I HATE the fact that as a child, I tried so hard.

It wasn't until I stopped trying that you showed even an ounce of care.

And stupidly, I started caring again only for you to turn right back around.

I just don't understand us.

I don't want to.

I rather focus on me.