Being Nyla

𝗦𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻

𝖭𝗒𝗅𝖺 𝖤𝖽𝗐𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗌
𝖫𝗈𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗇, 𝖤𝗇𝗀𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖽

I was awoken this morning at 4am by strong, sharp stomach pains. Underneath me felt damp with a wet and slimy like liquid. I made my way to the toilet and a trail of blood followed behind me. As I pulled down my pants, a huge blood clot appeared in between my knickers and my pants were completely drenched in crimson blood. I felt to gag at the raw sight but I couldn't. It was happening. I was losing my baby. I placed myself on the toilet seat and clutched onto my stomach when a sudden cramp hit me. More and more blood clots poured out of me and I came to the realisation that this was really happening.

I knew that I was due on my period sometime soon, but that isn't until a couple weeks later. Obviously the mess in pants would say otherwise. I stared and stared at it and the more I stared, the more tears that fell. Sob after sob, tear after tear, it didn't get any better. The non stop cramps were sending me mad but what could I do? My bloody hands trembled and I clenched my legs together, trying to keep the last remains of the baby inside of me. With each and every cramp that hit me, it felt like a piece of me was being viciously torn apart.

I can't say that I was surprised or anything. I knew that this day was going to come anyways but I didn't expect it to come so fast. It all happened so quick.

The door was lightly pushed open and Rhea pushed her head around the corner. Her face dropped when she saw the sight of me on the toilet and she rushed over, carefully treading over the droplets of blood on the floor. She crouched next to me and sat on the floor tiles with her legs crossed and interlocked her hand with mines.

"Oh, Nyla!" She said, her face filled with worry

My heart ached.

Rhea rubbed my back with her hand and whispered comforting words in my ear. The bathroom door was pushed open again and Leroy stepped in with a bucket filled with steamy hot water that smelt like bleach and a mop in his hand. When he walked in the strong smell of weed followed behind him, which made it obvious that he was just smoking. Leroy sat on the edge of the bathtub and rested the bucket and mop next to him.

"Should I start inside here outside first? Or should I wait until she's gotten cleaned up?" He rubbed his eyes

Rhea looked at me before looking back at the puddles of blood on the floor, then back at me. Shaking her head, she pointed outside and told him to wait until I was cleaned up. Leroy nodded and got to work outside and shut the door behind him. Rhea ran the bath and filled it up with some lavender soap and we both waited for it to fill up. After that, she helped me undress and get into the bathtub before flushing the blood filled toilet. Rhea washed her hands and dried them on a towel then handed me my pink wash cloth.

"Do you want me to leave?" She asked and I shook my head

I needed her company. I couldn't do this on my own.

Rhea nodded her head and pulled down the lid on the toilet seat so that she could sit on it. We sat there in silence while I scrubbed my skin and the only noises that could be heard was the squelching sounds coming from the mop and bucket, and the faint chatter coming from the tv downstairs. The water that was once a light purple colour had turned a deep crimson red. The sight of it made me sick. I pulled out the plug and let the water leave the bath before turning on the shower and cleaning up myself. I wrapped myself with the towel that Rhea handed me and she helped me out of the bathtub. Leroy came in with a pair of fresh clothes for me to put on and my Adidas slides.

I tiptoed over the blood and took them from his hand and shut the door. Rhea handed me a pad and turned around while I got myself ready. I was so thankful for friends like them, honestly! I pulled on the baggy black tracksuit and slid the warm fluffy socks on my feet. My once straightened hair had turned into a frizzy mess so I just threw it up in a bun. I brushed my teeth so that my breath didn't smell and once I was done I tapped Rhea on the shoulder.

"Ah, you're ready! Let's get you settled down," She sighed and escorted me out into my bedroom

When we entered, the lights were on and the room was warm. My bedsheets had been changed into fresh, new ones that weren't dirty with blood, and the floor was mopped up too. The carpet beneath my bed had the droplets of blood scrubbed out of it and was clean again. I helped myself into bed and curled up into a little ball under the covers. Rhea sat herself on the floor and rested her back on the edge of the bed frame, laying her head on part of the mattress. Leroy walked in the room with a packet of paracetamols and a glass of water and placed them on the draw next to me.

"For the cramps," he said and slumped on the ground

Silence.

I felt like shit. My body was in pain. My heart felt like it had been ripped apart and my head could barely process everything that had just happened. What have I done?

Leroy soon left the room to clean up the bathroom and it was just Rhea and I in the room. My heart was empty and I had no more tears left to cry. I stared at the wall and deeped my life. This is what I wanted though so did I really have a right to be as upset as I was? It was all for the best because I knew I wouldn't have been able to provide everything for that baby. I wouldn't have been the perfect mum for that child. I couldn't sit there and keep a baby for 9 whole months, knowing that I wouldn't have been able to give it the proper care, attention and love that It needed. I wasn't stable enough.

A short chapter for you guys until next time.
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