Who is she ?

Ashamed to be with me (part 4)

" Di keep your eyes close so that I can put eyeliner" palavi my Lil sister told me.

God this makeup and all this is so superficial look and I hate it.

It's not that from my birth I choose to live simple, even I used to like getting ready, doing makeup and all those stuff but the past that I have affected my present and for that reason I hate it.

Today is freshers and I am in no mood to go but the family with whom I live with just for their happiness I attend all the function of my collage so that they never come to know how people behave with me in college.

Still today's party is different atleast I have one friend I can be with in party. Vivan don't know many things about my life but he trust me and even make me feel comfortable which no man actually did. They can see the flaws but not the reason behind the flaws. Sometimes I feel like why do I even exist untill I met vivan I really like spending time with him.

"Di now you are ready" pallavi said.

I looked myself in mirror wearing off shoulder white top with black skirt, my hairs are straight, I wore long earing, liner, kajal, nude lipstick a perfect party girl.

"Thanks Pallavi" I said her.

I wore my black heels and went for the freshers party. I took the autorickshaw and reached the party location.

Almost 30 min late but I entered the hall, function has already started. At this moment my Juniors are performing dance and here I am standing and trying to find a seat to sit . I thought Vivan would have took the seat for me but anyways he is with his friends. I need to find by myself as I prefer corner seat most of the time but today I am gonna sit just in front of Vivan as even there is a vacant seat.

I went there straight and before sitting I looked at him and smiled but he ignored that. Maybe he didn't pay attention.

As I took the seat people surrounding me started to gossip that why I came, I dance in bar, I am not even virgin, no character and not even having any shame as no one talks to me but still I attend all the parties and functions of college. I am habitual now I repeatedly says this in my mind and I should be not affected but reality is that as many time people talks about me like this I get hurt and even today I am hurt if I mastered something is only to control my emotions. Atleast today I may not feel alone Vivan will be there with me.

The break was given to have some cold drink and snacks. I went there and saw Vivan standing alone maybe he is waiting for someone I thought this is the best time to talk with him.

As I was walking towards him I cleary saw that he noticed me and tried to ignore me. He suddenly went from that place and sat in the hall talking to other fellow of my class. It hurt me to the core so much that my eyes filled with tears.

I thought of going home but then I have to face questions that this family will ask me as they are always worry about me but then I don't want to be here.

Even I went in the hall and this time I choose the corner seat as usual. "It's okay you were always alone here. Janaki you don't need anyone. You don't have to be so dependent on anyone not even Vivan. It's your fault that you were expecting so much from him" I was explaining this to me in my mind but somewhere in me still there were hopes that Vivan will come and talk to me. Vivan passed beside me and all my hopes crushed and scattered.

I realised that I am so much dependent on him. My emotions are no more in my control. I need to leave so I got up left the party.

At this moment I am walking on footpath no idea where am I going it's just that I am walking and thinking about today's party. Not party but Vivan. I went to temple and sat there for around an hours that's the place which makes me calm. It's almost 9 and now I can leave for my home. So I took Rickshaw and went home.

As I entered I realised only this people knows me, respect me, give me immense love, don't judge me they are the only one who can understand me for a very obvious reason as they too feel and experienced the pain that I am going through. Most important is that they don't ignore me and are never ashamed to be with me.