why'd you only call me when you're high - muke

luke

i stretch my body out and feel something slap against my hand. i open my eyes and see michael laying next to me. i smile and sigh, roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. i try to be as quiet as i can, trying not to wake michael. i know he doesn't love me like i love him, but times like these i can at least pretend. i feel absolutely horrible about what happened last night. i came to see him to tell him that i couldn't do whatever it is that we're doing anymore, and i ended up falling right back into his trap. i know michael is just using me and i know it's unhealthy for me to let it keep happening, but i can't stop.

i feel michael moving in the bed beside me. suddenly, i feel a pair of arms wrap around my body. my breathing stops. i try to move as little as possible, trying not to disturb michael. he pulls my body closer to his frail skinny one. all through high school i was always the tiny one, but now michael feels almost invisible. i feel that if i looked at him wrong he would just snap in half.

i hear a grunt and then

"hi"

"hi michael"

"how'd you get here?"

"i came over last night because i wanted to talk to you, but we never got around to that part."

"oh, sorry about that," michael says, and i can just hear him smirk.

i go to swing my legs over the side of the bed, but michael pulls me back.

"stay," is all he mutters.

"no, michael-"

"please?" he pleads.

"fine," i sigh, giving in. i can never say no to michael.

michael pulls me impossibly closer, and i hear light snores leaving his slightly parted lips, signifying he's fallen back asleep.

"i love you," i whisper

no response.

i lay next to michael for a while longer until he rolls over and i can finally get up. i grab my clothes off the floor and quickly put them on, before michael can notice my absence. i slip my feet into my shoes and slowly turn the door handle, quickly checking my pockets for my keys. i feel them and quickly slip out of the door. i run my ands through my hair trying to tame it as i walk down the stairs. as i sit down in my car, i sigh and look at myself in the mirror on my sun visor. i quickly flip the visor back up and put my keys into the ignition, starting my car and driving off.

as i pull into my apartment building i try to gather my thoughts.

i walk up the stairs and fumble with my keys until finally finding the correct one for my door. i sit on my couch. i finally let my emotions take over. a single tear rolls down my face and after that, i can't stop. the tears won't stop falling and my thoughts are going a thousand miles a minute.

i need to talk to michael. not high michael, or drunk michael, just michael. the michael i fell in love with. my best friend michael. michael that i could lay in bed and laugh with for hours on end. the michael that didn't have to choose between me or getting high. i have absolutely no idea what to do. i feel like my life would be easier if i just let michael go. yet, i don't know what i would do without him. even if we aren't how we used to be, i still love him, and still want him in my life. i want him to be different.

i wipe my face and look at the wall. i seriously need to figure out what to do about this.