Crossroads (Book Three)

Chapter 41

Lyla

My internal clock woke me up at four thirty this morning. Shawn's arm was draped over me, heavy as it rested across my waist but not in an uncomfortable way, in a safe way. I had missed this. I had missed him. I eyed my phone that was in my free hand as the minutes seemed to pass as if they were seconds, slowly closing in on the moment I knew I had to leave him. I watched him sleep, his face peaceful and free from the torment and pain that was etched over it earlier tonight. It had been hard to look at him in his state, knowing I had caused it.

I know I had been selfish to go there last night and have made love to him again. I wasn't considering what my actions would do to him. I just needed to see him at least that was my initial plan when I had showed up at his house. It wasn't until I was next to him that I couldn't stop myself from pressing my lips into his, from being with him one last time and knowing it was our last time.

A half hour passed with me just watching him sleep until I knew I had to get up from his bed. I already knew I couldn't wake him. I knew I couldn't say goodbye to him. It was weak of me, I know this, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself to gently shake him awake I couldn't do it. I slid free from his embrace as slowly as I could as to not wake him.

I changed back into my clothes, hanging his t-shirt I slept in over his recliner, but not before I took one final inhale of his scent from the fabric. I found a piece of scrap paper on his dresser and jotted down my quick note, questioning if I should even leave it because I was sure it wouldn't make a difference. He would be hurt when he woke up and I was gone.

I stood in his doorway longer then I wanted to, longer than I should have, just watching him sleep. My legs didn't want to move and take me away from him. He stirred slightly as I watched him and I held my breath, bracing for him to wake up and catch me trying to escape. But his eyes never opened and he stilled again on the mattress.

I blinked away my tears as I dragged myself out of his room, closing the door behind me. I tiptoed down the stairs and out of the house, ordering an Uber once I was outside that showed up within a few minutes.

Once I get back into my apartment I don't have time to waste as Will is going to be picking me up at six to head to the airport. I have fifteen minutes to shower and get ready as I rush around, welcoming the distraction. I am actually surprised and thankful I didn't run into Will as I was sneaking out of the house this morning.

When I passed his bedroom door, it looked like the lights were still off in his room. I quickly shower and attempt to blow dry my hair, but accept the fact it will be wet for the plane ride as I tie it up into a tight bun on the top of my head. I get dressed into leggings and a t-shirt before I grab my hoodie and backpack for my carry on.

As I'm heading back into the living a knock at my door startles me slightly. I begin to worry it might be Shawn as I hesitantly open the door, but a smiling Will is standing on the other side. He asks if I'm ready and I nod in response, my heart still racing in my chest from the thought it might have been Shawn at my door.

Will carries my suitcase down to the car for me as I follow behind and settle into the passenger seat. It's about a twenty minute drive to the airport as my mind starts to race now that I am no longer distracted.

There's still a big part of me that questions my decision to end things with Shawn. A voice deep inside my head can't help but to squeak in and tell me to go back to him right now. To return to my spot in his arms, in his bed where I left him an hour ago. We would spend the summer together, doing anything we wanted. Long lazy days at the beach followed by cuddles by the campfire and making love every night. I can picture it all, it's not hard to imagine. But I can't go back. I need to do this for myself.

Shawn might not understand or see it right now, but this is all for us. Whether we end up together again down the road or not, we both need this time apart to happen. We both need to make sure we leave no stone unturned so we can look back with no regrets on the opportunities we didn't take advantage of. It's not fair to either of us to hold one another back or feel like a hindrance on the other.

Shawn will always be a permanent part of my life, whether he solely lives in my memories or the possibility we might reunite again one day, both of us ready for one another. Either way, I will always cherish him, the boy who showed me what real love is, the boy I loved in an all consuming way.

I know I am lucky to have met him, to know him and to have loved him. To still love him. Because I do still love him. Part of me knows I always will, even as the days, months, and years pass by. I can only hope that if fate played its roll in us meeting two years ago, it may strike again and I will cross paths with the green-eyed boy who changed my life, who changed me.