Childhood

Chapter 3

Don't you hate it when people put you down, just because they have nothing better to do? Not only is it hurtful but it can remain with you throughout your entire life.

When I was in primary school I used to get bullied for my size. I wasn't exactly a stick like everyone else was and that singled me out. My gain weight made me feel withdrawal from my fellow class members, leaving me a loner.
I became very shy and it was only until year 4 that I met my bff jasmine. Literally, we are still bffs! At least I had one friend and to be honest I couldn't have asked for a better one.

The guys at my school used to humiliate me because I played judo and to my face called me fat. The words still play though my head and have affected me throughout my life. The girls used to laugh at me because I like the popular boy but they knew he wouldn't go for little fat me. And I don't blame him. At that age you don't realise that there's more to relationships than looks. If you have a crap personality then there's only so much time a person will be willing to spend with you till they get sick of it.

Finally after leaving my primary school behind I had hope to make new friends, as well as keeping jasmine by my side as we were going to the same school. I gradually fitted in and formed my own small group of friends which was completed in year 8. We named ourselves "fab four" which consists of Jasmine, Rihanna, Nadine and I.

It wasn't until year 9 that I started making serious changes to my appearance. I wanted to feel like a guy actually wanted me, that I wasn't just some fat girl you look at and thank god that Ur not. I hadn't had a relationship let alone a kiss before. I thought it was time to take on board what people say to me and change.

Maybe they were right, I mean who wants to see fat? Even my own family told me I should go to the gym. I took their words as motivation and convinced myself that I was gonna make everyone who told me I was fat or not good enough to eat their words and f*** off.

I started going to the gym nearly every day practically straight after school. Then I decided to buy some fitness DVDs to do in my spare time and go running with a family friend every few times a week. It got to the point where I was skipping breakfast, having an small bread roll with an apple for lunch and having dinner, which was forced down me, along with 3-4 hours of exercise a day.

I lost 2 and a 1/2 stone. By then I was perfectly alright and if I kept continuing I would have been so happy. However I wasn't allowed to in case it affected my studies and I gradually gained the weight back on over a few years. My aim now is to lose the weight again but hopefully not becoming too obsessed...

I loved the attention it got me, it made me feel like I could actually have friends and a love life. What I didn't realise though at the time was that you shouldn't have to change your self to be accepted in society. It's bull****! So if I change myself from now on, it'll be because I want to do it for me not for anyone else.

What also pushed me to change was that at the time I was living with my grandmother.

Let's just say she isn't the most easiest of people to get along with once you know her. On the outside she's sweet and great but when u know her like I do you realise that it's just an act. I found it so hard to communicate with her when she didn't even listen!! Do you have like that one person in your life who makes you feel like you're talking to a brick wall? Yea well that's my grandmother and I'm not even over exaggerating.

One thing I hate most is being controlled. Most teenagers if not every teenager does! We want freedom, the ability to be who we want and do what we want!!! The only thing is that adults don't understand teenagers of our era.

I wasn't allowed Facebook or any other social media site because my mom was worried that my dad or her ex would find me or us. Even though I wasn't allowed I set up any accounts I set up a few anyway, such as ask.fm and later on I started using Facebook. This topic will kind of bring me I to my next topic ( the boyfriend, or should I say ex).

I made a friend on ask.fm and we emailed everyday, talked for months and months, getting to know each other. He was an orphan from Russia but lived in America. We kept talking more and more then one day his friend messaged me convincing me to ask him out. I thought about it and at the time I thought it would be an alright idea. I wasn't in love with him or anything but I did really really like him. So I asked him out and his response was that he had to think about it. What a blow. He took a week to give me a response and it was so random. He literally just said on Skype "yes", which at the time made me extremely confused.

My mom found out about it because she was on my laptop one day and started crying. When I look
back at it now It doesn't seem like such a big deal making a friend online who I've seen for myself is real. At the time however I felt as guilty as ever. I didn't even tell my friends about him until after he said yes.

We dated for around 6 or something months ( to be honest I can't remember because he is out of my life now and I've moved on). I had strong feelings for him but it wasn't until later on in my life that I realised I didn't feel the same about anyone in my past like I do now.

Our relationship was going so well before until....