In search of the word me and myself

Repeat

She never once had a boyfriend and now before having boyfriend she had sex.
"Woah, Bess you finally made it out!" they exclaimed together.
"How was you first experience?" they asked curiously.
One after another they threw so many questions that Bess couldn't help but laugh.
"I'll answer it, your every question but that is if you give me a chance to talk" they chuckled at her answer.
More than Bess her friends were excited. It was her first time but there were no excitement at all. Her friends stared at her waiting for her to explain her experience to them.

"It was not bad" she shrugged off.
"That's it?"
She gave them a half smile.

She was not sure why she didn't enjoy her first time. She went out more trying to find out the reason but never had sex twice with the ones she already had. To her disappointment her every sex was not what she expected to give her. She went with every kind of man there was trying to find if someone appealed and attracted her. However, there wasn't a single man out there.

That was when she decided to turn for girls. She went out with them. She tried doing it with them but to her expectation it neither did harm nor good. She was just a woman without sexual sensation. She thought she knew herself. She thought she liked man but even girls didn't attract her. The infatuations she once had, she once felt all disappeared into the thin air.

Not having sex was what she wanted to do but she became a sex toy. She became their fuck buddy. Every boy and girl looked for her. She couldn't deny them. If she could not satisfy her need phusically and emotionally she at least was able to satisfy others. She couldn't deny their request.

What had gone so wrong that her life became so messed up. She no longer knew who she was. She had lost her identity. She was no longer in search of her curiosity. She became an emotionless. She still was left no one to talk to about her feelings. She dragged herself to live on. Her disappoint grew. She couldn't solve one and another problem arised. Was this the end of her life? Her minded was clouded yet there wasn't a single thought she can point out. Blank.
Her emptiness was spilled to words on the pages. She wanted to try keep the track of her desolation because that was all what was left and the least she could do. She atleast needed to keep even a bit of hope and comfort.