THE TRAGEDY OF YOUTH, jungwon ✓

09 | better late than never

Towards the end of January, another day where I left my mother alone, not knowing what else to do about her, I was 'studying.' Really, I was just staring mindlessly at the words on the page, thinking about my dad. I didn't want to do anything anymore. Well, nothing that I had formerly disliked in my life. Such as studying, which I had never found pleasant even in the best of times.

Those days, I was just...angry, or tired. I was snappish or quiet. It was always either of the extremes. You wouldn't have caught me with a smile no matter what anyone did. I tried to pass time by flicking through the pictures of Jungwon and I again, but that just ended up making me angrier. I let out a growl, kicked out at the table I studied at in my room for no apparent reason, and threw my phone across the bed.

I also felt tempted to delete the entire folder, for the first time. It was a folder named, 'my guardian cat,' something I had named it when I was thirteen. Now that I was well over seventeen...it just sounded like an over-hopeful, too-idealistic name to give.

And then my phone rang. With a groan, I reached over to silence it, but stopped cold. It was Jungwon. Yang Jungwon. With a chilling certainty, I knew he was calling about my dad, and I wanted to turn away from it. But this was the opportunity of a lifetime. Not something I should throw away because I was scared.

With a trembling hand, I picked it up. "H-hello?"

"Yoora," his voice was soft, calm, and soothing, somehow. It was deeper than I'd last heard it. He was almost eighteen now, after all. "It's me. Jungwon."

"I know," I whispered, my voice shaking. My hands clenched the phone tighter.

"I—I heard about your dad," he continued, stumbling a little. He was very nervous; I knew that much. "My mother saw the funeral notice too late...Yoora, I'm so, so sorry that...I know that you..."

"Stop," I closed my eyes. "I know what you mean."

"Okay." He obeyed without question, figuring that if he did the wrong thing, I would be on him in a second, yelling and screaming in fury. And I would have. I know I would have done so. "How's your mom taking it? How are you taking it? Are you doing good?"

I didn't see any point in hiding any of it. I told him everything, how my babysitting jobs was the only thing keeping us afloat for now, my mother's new habits and behavior and that it was her way of dealing with the grief, how I was so angry and tired all the time. I don't know why I told him all of that. Maybe because hearing his voice helped me to feel better in a way I didn't realize at the time. We were estranged, in a way. But he came back, in a sense, because he was worried. Maybe he didn't care as much, but that was okay to me at that point.

I was just glad someone cared genuinely. I also missed him more than I would admit.

He listened carefully. In the background, I heard screaming and laughter and pleads to be quiet because Jungwon was on the phone; once or twice I heard him hiss at someone to get them to shut up. He listened carefully without making any comments, letting me rant to my heart's content. Something he used to do often. It reminded me of that.

At the end of it, he asked, "do you want me to...to come to you? I mean, I know I'm a jerk and I haven't been there for you and that I—"

"Yes," I said, and my voice broke. Tears welled up in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. "Yes, Jungwon, get over here. Please. I need you more than I've ever needed you."

He sounded relieved. "Okay, that's...okay. It'll be a little bit difficult to visit right now as we're kind of towards the end of a promotion period, but I'll be there a few days or maybe a week or two after my birthday, at the very least. We're getting ready for a new Japanese album, too, and..." he stopped himself, and I knew he thought that I didn't want to hear about that. "Well, I'll try my best. Do you still live in the same place?"

"Yeah, but on the sixth floor now," I told him. "It's bigger, and there's an extra room that you can use, if you want to stay longer than a day. I'd appreciate some company."

"Okay, then. I'll call you about that, Yoora, we're about to go onstage now. Bye."

"Bye," I whispered. "See you soon..."

"See you soon," I thought I heard the smile in his voice as he said so. And then the line went dead. Maybe I was being idealistic. Maybe I was being delusional, and maybe even idiotically foolish. Perhaps all three.

But I wasn't wrong when I thought that Jungwon still cared and he wished to make it up to me. Sure, he could have done it sooner...but better late than never. I know that I probably shouldn't have given him that second chance. But I haven't regretted it, and he deserved it. Besides...

What is the point of holding onto anger when you can let go of it? As cheesy as it really does sound, when you can love instead?