His Queen (18+)

Chapter XXXVII

THE REASSURANCE

I don't know if you already know how
But girl, I got the feeling that you know now
You're buried in the pillow, yeah you're so loud
But I'm about to show you, baby, slow down

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CHAPTER XXXVI

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MUCH LATER THAT night when we were well into the early hours of the next morning, Daniel and I found ourselves both wide awake on the sofa in our room, pressed up into each other under the dim lighting. We weren't doing much talking. In fact, Daniel was completely preoccupied with the collection of poems he had in his hand while I was too busy staring off at the wall, keeping to my own thoughts.

Of course I hadn't told Daniel about what happened earlier that day. It wasn't because I didn't want him to know but because I still wasn't completely sure what had happened myself.

It was going back to my mom's house and collecting her things that had made me realise how the place in my heart that was always going to be for her would remain permanently empty now. Before when she had only kicked me out, there was always a possiblity; hope to rekindle the relationship we once had but now there wasn't any. She was dead and I had missed my chance to forgive her.

The tears burnt at my eyes, but I pushed them back. What purpose had crying ever served me? Besides, crying wasn't going to bring her back to me anyway. And even if it did, what would I do? Lie through my teeth and say I forgive her even though my heart was still aching from the way she had treated me when I was fifteen?

The truth was that I hadn't forgiven her. I wanted to do anything to lie to myself to convince myself that I had but even after so many years I was still hurting. I still felt betrayed by her. I still found it so difficult to put my complete trust in somebody because the one person that was always supposed to have back had ended up being the person that put me out and gave up on me the fastest. It was hard to forgive that.

I found that I was also very angry at my father which surprised me. I knew he was a good man and I knew he had been in jail the whole time my mom raised me, but I still couldn't help the resentment I felt towards him. I felt abandoned by him. He was in my life up until I was three and then suddenly, he disappeared not to be heard of for years to come. Obviously, it must've been when he went to jail but how was a three year old supposed to understand that? Why didn't any one explain to me why my papa had suddenly disappeared? One day, he was with me and the next day, he wasn't.

It was so long ago yet I could still vividly remember the nights I would cry and scream myself to sleep, begging for nothing more than my dad yet all anyone ever told me was that he was gone. "Where did he go?" I'd ask. "Is he coming back?" I had never received an answer.

He could have called me. He could have visited me. When my mom put me out, he could have tried to look for me. Convinced her to bring me back. Anything. He said it himself. He had power yet he did nothing. It made me feel like I was worth nothing.

Years of them not knowing where I was. If I was dead or alive and neither of them had bothered to lift a finger to do something about it. I had to find them. What if I had succeeded in killing myself? What if I would've been murdered on the street because I was a young black girl with nowhere to go? How long would they have been waiting for me to miraculously show up at their front door years later before they realised I wouldn't?

I let out a deep sigh and snuggled more into Daniel's chest, making him wrap his arms around me and place a kiss onto the crown of my head.

I was always welcome here. It was what I wanted to believe. That he loved me and he enjoyed my company, but it was so hard.