Self Harm Poems/thoughts My Personal Journal And Experience On It

burden

It's not getting easier
Why isn't it easier
It's getting harder
Why is it getting harder
I want to
I want to
I want to
I can't sleep
I can't eat
I can't focus
I haven't done it for weeks yet I've never wanted to do it more than now
There is no relief
No release
No good feeling
Just pain
And not the kind of pain I want
Not the physical pain that feels like flying
The mental pain of falling
Falling into a deep darkness
A darkness where you go searching through the bathroom cabinets to see if maybe your mom didn't find one of your razors
Just for a moment of free
Of flying
I want to get better
But if it's this painful I don't know if I can
If it's possible for anyone to
But I want to
So I'll try
I haven't shaved in weeks and it's just a reminder
I look down at my legs
Covered in hair
And I can't remove it
Because I can't be trusted with a razor
And it's scary

People don't trust 7 year-olds with razors because they might do something stupid with it
On accident.
A teenager should be trusted with a razor
I shouldn't be treated like a 7 year old
But I placed it upon myself
It wasn't an accident when I did it
It was intentional
I knew what I was doing
And I knew people wouldn't like it
But I did it anyway
And then I did it again
And again
And again
And again
And I kept doing it until I felt so much guilt that even the razor couldn't relieve it
So I told her
I told my mom
She hugged me tight and asked me how long I had been doing it for
Then she told me she me she would make my therapy appointments more frequently
And she signed me up for an appointment with my doctor
To up my dosage on my antidepressants
And I had to tell my doctor about what had happened
Then I had to tell my therapist about what had happened
And it hurt
It hurt because it brought the guilt back out
The guilt had always been out
But now the guilt was so painfully there that I couldn't avoid it
And I still can't
It was 3 months ago
And the guilt is still there
I'm still a burden