Self Harm Poems/thoughts My Personal Journal And Experience On It

high maintenance

It doesn't feel like enough anymore
The razor wasn't working so I broke a blade out of it
And it's hard and uncomfortable to hold
But it's worth it for the relief
But I lost the relief
I cut and I cut and I cut
But no
No relief
No ease
No escape
What do I do now
Do I take the kitchen knife and hide it under my sink
Do I slit my wrists and just end it
But then I go to therapy and I can't even talk about it
She asks me how I'm doing and I lie
I'm fine
I always say
I'm as numb to her as I am to the rest of the world
As I am to the blade
So maybe the kitchen knife is the answer
It's serated
And that means it's supposed to cut even better I think
It's worth a shot
A shot
Shoot
Bullet
Gun
Through my head
This is healthy but I don't know how to be healthy
They say find a trusted support system
But they say you can't rely on other people
But I can't go through it alone
That's too hard
And that's what they say
Find a good support system because it is too hard to go through alone
But don't become to reliant and also trust no one
If you trust people you die
But not the death you want
It's the death you get right after thinking you beat this stupid mental illness
So you stop going to therapy
And you stop getting an outside perspective
And you stop getting warnings from people you trust
And then you fall
You fall hard and you fall fast
And you hit rock bottom quick
And then they start pouring cement down after you
And there you are
Stuck in cement at rock bottom
Unable to escape
Unable to be comfortable
Unable to leave or move or to find a new support system
One that won't through you away and then pour cement on you
And you will never learn if a non-cement relationship even exists
Because you are too fucking high maintenance