Alice's Journey

The beginning (March 19, 21 3:30 pm)

My legs were shaking as my breath started to race. This can't be real. I knew this would happen, but I can't believe it. The words ringed in my head as my psychologist looked up at me. "Alice, your test results show that you have OSDD 1-B." For a while now I thought I might have this. My friend Ester helped me figure out that I might have it with all my symptoms. Ester was a major in psychology, so they knew a thing or two. I noticed my eyes welling up, tears ready to gush like a river. "I- I" I stumbled over my own words, not knowing how to respond. "It's alright Alice, take your time." She said. "No! It's not alright!" I blurted, I didn't mean to be that loud or snappy. "You don't understand! You don't know how it feels for people to think you're crazy! To lose memories, or not remember important things! I have friends that I know nothing about! You don't apprehend it at all!" Tears were streaming down my face at this point. I felt a lump in my throat slowly started slipping in as I tried to grasp this new knowledge. "I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell, I apologize." I said solemnly. I un-balled my first, no need to be angry at her, she did nothing wrong. She responded calmly, "It's understandable Alice, sure I might not exactly relate to you, I know this is a lot to take in. Take your time, you got this." I sat back down on the cookie-cut chair I've seen at every psychiatric assessment room I've ever been in. The soft cushion pressed against my back as the fabric slightly itches my skin. Is this real? "Alice, listen, please. I know this is hard, so here's what I suggest, okay? I want you to go home, sit down and grab a fresh, never used, journal. I want you to write a starting entire paragraph stating your name, pronouns, age, and some things about yourself. For example, I might write, "My name is Linda, my pronouns are she/her, I'm the core, and I like the color purple." "Okay..." I responded, this is still so unfathomable... "Do you have a new journal that I may have, please? I don't have one." "Yes, in fact, I do. Here." She said, handing me the dark blue-covered journal, with a purple glitter pen attached to it. "Thank you." I said automatically. "You're welcome." She retorted. "Sorry, but time is up. Do you remember what I recommended to you?" She asked, her eyes were sparkling in the brisk light of the sea-foam green room. "Mhm. Go home and write down a paragraph that includes my names, pronouns, interests, blah blah blah." I said jokingly. She chuckled. "Alright, be safe wonderland!" She called as I walked out the door holding my ocean-themed purse. She's called me wonderland ever since I started visiting and I first said, "Hey, my name's Alice." She loves Disney. I shut the front door softly as I entered the house. The smell of cigarette smoke wafted over me. As I accidentally immersed myself into the strong sound of yelling. "God I hate it here.." I mumbled, walking to my room. Turning on my lamp I sat down at my bedside table. Preparing my hand to write into the fresh book. "Hi, I'm Alice and I like yellow-" No, not good enough. I thought. How should I write this? After a good ten minutes, I finally had written my 10 line passage. "Hello, my name is Alice. I'm 16 years old, and I like the colors yellow/light blue. I'm the core and host of our system." Blah blah blah- I heard a crash downstairs. Great, another one of those days. I bookmarked the page I was on with the pen and set down the journal. Taking off my rainbow-colored shoes. I brushed my hair and did my usual skin-care stuff. Sitting back down on my chair opening my laptop. The YouTube tab is automatically open. That's when it happened. Another blackout. The blackout is over. I look around, where am I now? Science, seventh period, Ms. Dundrum's class. It appears to be the next day. Sun peeked through into the dull classroom. "Hello? Did you just hear what I said?" Ester, my science partner, and friend asks. "Uhm, no? Ester?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Was it another switch?" They asked thoughtfully, demeanor completely changing. "Yeah.." I respond, trailing off. "What happened yesterday? What did Linda say?" "She says that I do have it. I'm not crazy." "Well, that's good.- That you know that that's what it is- not- y'know what I mean." "Yeah, I do" I say slightly giggling in my response. "The person you were talking to before me, are they nice? What's their name? What did they say?" My brain is bombarded with questions, so jumbled that I could barely form those words. "I didn't get a name, but they are nice! I think they're a guy, because whenever I said 'she' their facial expressions seemed disgusted, but if I said 'he' they seemed happy." "That's good to know, anything else?" Curiosity was itching at my throat. I want- no, I need answers. "Yeah, they're also way better than you at math." They responded jokingly. "Yeah, yeah, whatever Ester." "Ladies! Back to work you two. If I look over and you two are chit-chatting again I'll make you do the work by yourself." "Okay, Ms. Dundrum." I say half-heartedly. Ester grumbled insults under their breath. I take a moment to ground myself. I am here. I am in control of my body. I am here in the present and I'm okay. I take a few deep breaths before returning to our work about human anatomy and how and why organs do what they do.