It was your warm embrace that pulled me out of the dark

Time to move on

Chapter 8: Time to move on

“Thank you, jury, for your service today” 

The words of the judge still echo through Buck’s head. He’s standing in the middle of the courtroom, staring into space. He can’t move. His body has gone numb. He doesn’t remember getting up. He didn’t feel the handshake his lawyer gave him. He didn’t hear the voices around him. He didn't notice everyone leaving. He doesn’t even know how long he’s been standing here. Seconds? Minutes maybe? It can’t be that long though. He’s thinking about everything the lawyers said. About the questions they asked. About the answers his friends and the other witnesses gave when they took the stand. About Maddie and Eddie’s face, the tears in their eyes.  About the final verdict. It’s over. It’s finally over and he feels relieved ofcourse, but also, he feels sad, angry, hurt and exhausted. God he feels so exhausted. 

….

Eddie’s standing in the door opening, maybe 7, 7.5 feet from where Buck is standing. He looks over to his friend. He told Athena and Maddie to wait outside for them, when he noticed Buck’s body language change. Eddie knows he just needs a few minutes to process what just happened. A few minutes to take it all in. A few minutes to just stand there and stare at nothing. So that's what he's doing. He's giving him a few minutes and he just waits there till Buck’s ready to leave.
 
….
 
Maddie follows Athena outside to where Alex, Kyle and Jake are waiting for them. She’s so glad it’s over. It was heavy, for Buck and the other boys, but also for her, Athena and Eddie. All three of them took the stand. They answered the lawyers’ questions, they listened to the awful words coming from the defense, coming from her. Every word, every detail and they all wiped away a few tears afterwards. 
The hardest part was watching Buck struggle, seeing him swallow back his own tears and not being able to do anything to help him, not being able to comfort him. 
There were a few moments where she thought Eddie was going to get up, rush over to Buck and wrap him in his arms. A few moments where she was sure he was thinking about ripping Dr. Wells’ head off. A few moments where she saw him struggle even more than her little brother. So she took his hand and gave him an understanding look. It helped. He calmed down and stayed in his seat. But she could tell he was having a damn hard time. 
After the judge and jury had left the court, Buck stood up to thank his lawyer. Maddie was ready to run over to him and give him a hug, but then she saw him freeze.
 
He froze right at the spot and Maddie didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know If it would be a good idea to approach him or not. For a moment she stood there and stared at her brother in silence, thinking about her next step. But then Eddie laid a hand on her shoulder and told her he would stay behind and wait for Buck to be ready. She gave him a hug and thanked him, before following Athena and the boys out of the courtroom. 
 
….
 
Eddie’s still standing there staring at Buck, who hasn’t moved at all since his lawyer and everyone else left. The courtroom is so quiet now. Almost peaceful. 
Eddie can’t help but wonder how many people have stoot, where he’s standing right now. How many people have frozen at that very same spot where Buck is right now. How many people have sat in these chairs, crying for a friend, a relative, a loved one, a son or daughter, a father or mother, a husband or a wife. How many tears have been shed in this room. How many angry voices have been raised. He can feel the emotions surrounding him. It’s like the room is filled with them. All sorts of emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, disgust, shame, guilt. It’s suffocating. 
  
He looks down at his watch. five minutes have passed. It's time. Time to leave. Time to go get his friend, his partner and take him home to his family. Home to the 118. They're all waiting for them at the station. Waiting to hear what happened. Waiting to comfort him. Waiting to be there for him.
He takes a deep breath and slowly steps forward towards Buck. He can see his friend’s body shivering. When he comes closer he notices the tears running down his face and he carefully lays a hand on his shoulder. 
 
"Buck, cariño..." 
 
Before Eddie can finish that sentence, Buck turns around and collapses into his arms. 
 
"It's okay. I've got you" 
 
Eddie wraps Buck into a warm embrace and slowly slides a hand up and down his back. 
 
"I..I just...need...a.."  Buck sobs 
 
"I know. Take your time" 
 
After a moment of crying, Buck slowly pulls back and nods his head. 
 
"W-We can go" 
 
"Okay" 
 
Eddie takes his hand and guides him out of the courtroom. 
 
-------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Bobby's preparing lunch in the kitchen, while Hen and Chimney are setting the table. Athena called 10 minutes ago. She told them they were coming over to the station. All of them. She only gave them a short “It went well” but wouldn't tell them anything else over the phone. They could hear she was still emotional. She told them they had to wait for Buck to be ready to leave the courtroom.
Bobby had called the captain from the B shift right after and arranged for them to end their shift an hour early, so they can all have lunch together. 
 
 
Hen checks her phone. She has a text from Karen, telling her she took the afternoon off and is on her way over to the station as well. Danny is going to a friend after school, so they don’t need to rush over to pick him up afterwards. 
She walks over to the kitchen to grab another plate and cutlery for her wife.  
 
“Karen is coming over too, if that’s okay with you?” She tells Bobby
 
“Ofcourse it is. Hope she likes lasagne ?”
 
“She loves it” 
 
“Great. There’s more than enough” 
 
Bobby finishes the salad and carries the bowls over towards the table. Athena told him they were bringing a few guests but she didn’t tell him who. But knowing his wife, they were probably involved in the case somehow. Witnesses maybe? She wouldn't bring a couple of strangers to the station. Atleast not today. Not after the trial. 
He feels a bit nervous. Today was rough. He noticed both Hen and Chimney being anxious too. It was hard to focus on the job. They didn’t have a lot of calls today. Which was probably for the best, but it didn't make it easier on them.
He puts the bowls down on the table and returns to the kitchen to check on the lasagne. In that moment Karen walks into the loft. He greets her with a smile.  
 
“Hey Karen. Good to see you”
 
“Hi, Bobby” She smiles back at him. 
 
“Hi babe” Hen says when she gets eyes on her wife. 
 
“Hey”
 
Karen gives her a kiss on the lips. “Any word from Athena?” 
 
“Just that it went well and that they had to wait for Buck. But they should be here any minute now, I think” Hen answers her.
 
“Good. Lets hope, justice has been served” 
 
The two women sit down at the table and Karen wraps an arm around Hen. She knows how much Buck means to her. It broke her heart when they heard what happened to him. That night at Athena’s Hen had kept it together pretty well, but the moment they walked through their own front door, she had broken down in tears and cried for hours. 
 
 
Chimney joins Bobby in the kitchen. He just got a text from Maddie about two minutes ago, telling him that they were on their way over.  
He wanted to join her in court today, but she told him not to. It was probably a good decision. But he’s been stressed out all day. He just hopes that woman is going to jail for a very long time. It’s hard to believe anyone would do something like that. Take advantage of someone who’s vulnerable, hurt, dealing with trauma.  It makes him so angry and sad at the same time. Knowing there are even more people like her out there, makes him sick. He can’t imagine how Buck must feel right now. 
 
Chimney gets pulled away from his thoughts when Bobby hands him two carafes of water. He brings them over to the table and takes a seat next to Hen and Karen. They’re talking about inviting Buck and Eddie over for dinner on saturday. 
 
“Maybe you and Maddie can join us too?” 
 
“Yeah, sure. We don’t have any plans yet” 
   
They decide to ask Buck and Eddie first before going through all the details. 
 
A car pulls over in front of the station and all three of them immediately jump up. It’s Athena’s car. Maddie gets out of the passenger seat and opens the door behind her. Three young men get out and follow Athena and Maddie towards the stairs. 
 
Bobby’s the first to claim his wife and gives her a hug and a kiss on the lips. Maddie steps around them to fall into Chimney’s arms. He could tell she had been crying. Her eyes are still a little wet. But she doesn’t say anything. Or atleast not yet. 
Athena lets go of Bobby and greets the others, giving both Hen and Karen a hug too. 
 
“So, everyone. I would like you to meet our guests. This is Alex, Jake and Kyle. They uhm they testified against Dr. Wells today. Boys, this is my husband Bobby Nash. He’s the captain of the 118. This is Henrietta Willson and her wife Karen and this is Howard Chan.” 
 
“Hello. Please call me Chimney” 
 
“Nice to meet you guys. You can call me Hen” 
 
 
After shaking hands, Alex, Jake and Kyle follow Athena toward the dinner table and sit down. Maddie gives Chimney another quick kiss and joins them. The others wait for Buck and Eddie to arrive. Luckily they don’t have to wait very long. A few minutes later Eddie’s pickup pulls into the empty parking spot in front of the station. 
 
…..
 
“You’re ready?” Eddie whispers
 
“Not really. I know they all mean well and I’m so gratefull for each and everyone of them for being there for me. For us. But all I want to do is just go home and crawl into bed. Is that bad?”
 
“No. That’s not bad at all. I get it. I really do” 
 
“What time do you have to pick up Chris?” 
 
“I don’t. He’s staying with Pepa tonight and Carla brings him to school tomorrow” 
 
“You think we could, maybe stop by on her way home? I kinda really want to see him and…” 
 
“Give him a hug? Yeah, me too. Ofcourse we can'' 
 
“Thanks” 
 
“Don’t thank me carino” 
 
Eddie takes Buck's hand and interlocks their fingers. Buck lays his head on his friend’s shoulder and closes his eyes for a moment. Eddie presses a soft kiss against his temple. 
 
“Take your time, I’m right here with you” 
 
After a few more seconds Buck opens his eyes and takes a deep breath. 
 
“Okay. let's do this” 
 
Eddie presses another kiss against the back of Buck’s hand before letting him go and gets out of the car. 
 
 
The truth is, Eddie’s not really ready himself. The trial was hard. He had to watch Buck suffer the entire time and there was nothing he could do. He wanted to jump up and run towards him so many times. Maddie must have noticed it, because she took his hand and gave him a sad smile. He could see the tears in her eyes. They were all having a hard time, just sitting there and watching Buck go through hell all over again. Watching him fight against his own tears. Watching him shiver. Watching him struggle so hard not to break down and he did so good. Eddie’s so proud of him. But he wishes he didn’t have to. He wishes his friend didn’t have to go all through that again. He wishes he could have just killed the damn bitch for what she did. Because no matter what Athena said. No matter what everyone else might think. It’s not enough. The ‘Punishment’ she gets for doing that to Buck, to his friend, the love of his life. No, it’s just not enough. 
 
 
They walk up the stairs towards the loft where their friends are already waiting for them. They all look sad and anxious, ready to cry, ready to wrap their friend in their arms. And that’s exactly what happens when they reach the top of the stairs. Hen immediately pulls Buck in for a hug and holds him tight, followed by Karen, Bobby and then Chimney.
Eddie can see Buck’s shivering again. He can tell he doesn’t want to be here. He knows he loves his firefighter family, but he also knows his friend just wants to go home. After a round of hugging Buck reaches for Eddie’s hand and squeezes it tight. They walk towards the table and sit down between Maddie and Karen, not letting go of each other’s hand. Across from them Alex, Jake and Kyle are eache fighting their own battle against emotions. 
 
….
 
“Thank you so much for letting us join you” Jake says, looking over to Athena. 
 
“You’re more than welcome honey. You guys shouldn’t be alone right now.” 
Athena offers them all a smile. 
 
Jake feels tears burn in the back of his eyes. It really means a lot to him, that they were invited over for lunch. Not that he’s really in the mood for a lot of small talk, but he also doesn’t feel like being alone right now. His captain and two of his colleagues were in court to support him, but since they had a shift, they had to leave right after the trial. So, he really is grateful for it. The trial was hard for him. The unhealed wounds caused by Tom’s dead, were ripped wide open again. Not that he was already over him, it haunts him all day, every day. He has had nightmares every single night since it happened. He misses him so, so badly. He was the love of his life. They wanted to start a family together. And none of that will ever happen. Not with Tom. And he really can’t imagine ever getting over him. 
He looks over to Buck and Eddie. They look like such a lovely couple. The two of them remind him even more of what he lost. Holding each other's hands, hugging, kissing, the love between them, it's all gone and he’s never getting it back. 
 
 
Bobby puts the oven dishes with lasagne on the table and takes a seat next to Athena. 
 
“Is it okay if I say a little prayer before we eat?”   
 
Everyone nods their heads and they reach for each other’s hands. 
 
“God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference” 
 
When they let go of their hands, Kyle stares at Bobby. He’s not sure if he can ask the question he wants to ask. The one burning on the tip of his tongue. If it would be appropriate. If it wouldn’t cross any lines. He decides not to. Not yet.  But he is wondering. Wondering why the man across from the table chose this specific prayer. The serenity prayer. 
Kyle’s been sober for 386 days now. It was a long and heavy road, but he did it. He managed to get sober. He found himself a nice apartment. Nothing special. Nothing like the home he used to have, but it was a new beginning. He was proud of himself. Proud of how far he’s come. Proud that he hasn’t thought about drinking since he left the clinic. But today…today it’s the only thing he can think of. He had to take the stand and everything went straight to hell. Ofcourse they mentioned his addiction. They tried to convince the judge and jury that he was drunk at the time. That he didn’t say no to her, because he wanted to have sex with her. Thank god they didn’t buy it. But still. Since he left the court, a drink is all he can think of. One drink. One drink to forget. One drink to let go. One drink to stop feeling what he feels right now. But it will never be one drink. He knows that. He will never be able to stop drinking again, once he takes that first sip. 
 
 
 
Alex pulls on the sleeves of his dress shirt. They’re not long enough to cover his wrists. Not long enough to cover the scars. His hands are shaking and he’s sweating. He’s glad he doesn’t have to be alone right now. The scars remind him of the worst day of his life and today he had to relive it all over again. He can still feel the razor blade cutting through his skin, the blood running down his arms. He can still hear his friend’s voice begging him to stay awake, the sirens coming closer, the footsteps of the paramedics rushing up the stairs. He can still taste the salt of his own tears running down his cheeks when he woke up in the hospital. 
He didn’t want to die, he really didn’t. But he didn’t want to live either. He just wanted to feel something. Something other than the psychological pain he was going through. He just couldn’t handle it anymore. After he got home from Dr. Wells. After the attack, the assault, he just couldn’t take it anymore. 
He hasn’t thought about it for a long time now. But today, everything came back. The memories, the feelings, the pain. It all came back to him and he feels so scared. Scared to fall back into a depression. Scared to hurt himself again. Scared of dying. Because he really doesn’t want to die. But he doesn’t want to live with that pain again either. 
 
 
 
Everyone’s filling their plates and starting to eat. The lasagne Bobby made tastes delicious. They all agree on that. But everything Bobby puts on the table is good. He’s an excellent cook. 
Cooking takes his mind off things. Things he doesn't want to think about. Things he can’t think about. Like a drink. Even after several years of sobriety, he’s still struggling every now and then. Especially in times like these, where someone in his family is hurt, when someone he cares about is going through pain and he feels like there’s nothing he can do to help. Times like these are the hardest. But he can’t think of a drink. So he cooks. He cooks and makes sure everyone is taking care off. 
 
Bobby looks over to the young man sitting across from him. If he remembers correctly his name is kyle. He noticed how he stared at him after the prayer. He noticed how his body langues changed. There’s something about the young man that looks familiar. Not that he has ever seen him before. He’s pretty sure about that, but there’s something about him. Something that reminds Bobby of himself. It’s the way he behaves, the way he keeps spinning the glass of water between his hands before he takes another sipp, the way he seems to imagine there is something else in the glass. Something other than water. He can tell it by just looking at his face. By looking into his eyes. 
The reason he looks so familiar is that Bobby used to be him. Bobby used to be Kyle, right before he had a relapse. 
 
 
Eddie keeps his eyes on Buck. He can tell he’s still struggling with his feelings. Trying not to break down in tears again. He’s pale and he’s not really eating much. Eddie lays a hand on his thigh for a little comfort and Buck immediately looks up and gives him a sad smile, before laying his head down on Eddie’s shoulder. 
He feels so lost. Lost in thoughts. Lost in emotions. It’s all too much. Too many feelings running through his body. Too many voices echoing through his head. Too many images flashing in front of his eyes. He is so tired. All he wants is to go home. Home with Eddie and crawl into the man’s arms, cry against his chest and allow himself to break down. 
He closes his eyes for a few seconds and feels Eddie press another kiss against his temple. God he loves that man so much. He really means the world to him. When he opens his eyes again, he sees Maddie looking at him. She knows how he feels. He can see it in her eyes. She knows he’s in pain. She knows he wants to leave. 
He offers her a little smile and closes his eyes again. Normally he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t just hang against his best friend and close his eyes during lunch with his family, but there’s nothing normal about today so he allows himself to have another moment.  
 
 
Maddie looks around the table and then back at Buck. She’s really happy her brother has found himself such a wonderful and supportive family. And she feels lucky to become a part of it too. Their own family was never like this. Their parents were never really there for either one of them. They don’t even know what happened to Buck. They don’t know about Dr. Wells, not about the fire truck, not about the tsunami. To be honest, she’s not sure if they even know Buck’s a firefighter. They haven’t spoken to them for years. So yes, she really is grateful for this family right here. Grateful for the 118. Grateful for Chimney, who taught her to love again. Grateful for Eddie, who pulled her brother out of the darkness and gave him a home. Grateful for Athena and Bobby who took over the parents role in his life. Grateful for Hen and Karen for always being there for either one of them. This family has so much love to give and for the first time in her life she really feels home. 
 
 
Karen takes a little bit of salat from the bowl in front of her and passes it to Athena. She’s glad she took the rest of the day off. Not that anyone is talking much, but there’s no place she’d rather be than with her wife and their firefighter family. Even if lunch is spent in complete silence, she can tell most of them are thankful not to be alone right now. Especially the three boys sitting next to them.