All Too Well [H.S]

Five

Harry Styles

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

12:39 AM

November 30th, 2024

5 minutes into the car ride home with Lilah.

What the hell was I thinking? I am so eternally fucked.

Here I am, hands with a death grip on my steering while trying to ignore the fact that I have my ex-best friend in the passenger seat next to me. Not to mention she's completely wasted and has been calling me names for the last five minutes. It's not to say I don't deserve to be called a 'wiped out bloody sleaze-bag' or whatever that means, but I know she wouldn't say any of this soberly.

I knew if I left her in that bar any longer she would have blacked out and Andrew would've tried to play knight and shining armor with her. Which by the way, I didn't even know that was her fucking ex. Andrew was the last person I would ever picture Lilah with. Obviously I don't know what she is like anymore since it has been four years since I last saw her.

She hasn't changed a whole lot. Her hair is a bit longer and her face looks more mature. Other than that she still looks the same from when I did last see her. Part of that scares me, I thought by now she would look like a completely different person to the point where I didn't even recognize her anymore. Still, when I caught wind of that blonde hair and brown eyes, I knew what I was seeing before me was real.

I wonder what the hell she was doing at my concert of all places, especially on her birthday? As if I didn't ruin one already to begin with and disappeared out of her life in a flash. I am fully convinced Marianne had something to do with it or maybe Mitch too. I wouldn't be surprised if this was some sort of elaborate scheme to get us in the same room together. If it was, fuck them cause it clearly worked.

Truthfully, I never wanted to see her again. Or at least face her ever again, not after what happened years ago. And as for a legitimate answer as to why I left without a trace? I couldn't answer that even if I wanted to. I wanted to hate her. I tried to forget about her. I tried to pretend like she never existed. But no matter what I did, she was always right fucking there. Not physically but mentally. Especially in my music. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing she heard such a personal song I wrote about her; I never meant for her to hear it. I never meant for anyone to hear it.

Jeff said I should put it on the album regardless of what it was about. The only people who do know what it is about are the people who knew Lilah and me. When my mum first listened to the song, she begged me to contact Lilah again, but I refused, saying the music was just a way to get out any burnt memories I had left of her.

After two years, I stopped thinking about her when everyone around me finally stopped asking about her. But last year, she popped right back into my mind, and at times it was hard to resist my finger from pressing her contact button. I would always write in my notes what I would say to her if I called or ever saw her again, but for some reason, when I did see her tonight, it was as though I had forgotten how to speak. I didn't know what to say to her, and I still don't.

"Do you even know where you're going, asshole?" She mummers with a slight slur.

My head jerked to her, some of her makeup was smeared, and she looked exhausted. She wasn't looking at me, just off onto the road solemnly.

"I uh- fuck- no...I don't." I say truthfully. I had been in my own head for so long I realized I might not even be going in the direction of her place.

"Idiot." She mumbles softly, pulling out her phone and clicking on the GPS application. I watch her closely, keeping an eye on the road as well. The snow was piling up on the ground; a snowstorm was definitely going to happen tonight.