All Too Well [H.S]

Eleven

Lilah Green

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

2:56 AM

December 2, 2024

I sat on the floor of the grimy motel room as I looked over to my left, seeing Niall take a massive swing of whiskey. Multiple sighs have escaped our lips, some mild verbal exchange, but mostly silence sat in among us. I've been sitting here the entire time, seeking to block out the screams from the bathroom a few feet away. Niall, Mitch, and Sarah were all in there at one point, trying to calm down Harry, who, for some motive, couldn't keep his voice down. As hard as I tried to block out his voice, I could hear him ask for me now and then, wondering where I was. Niall kept trying to keep his cool; however, the moment Harry began screaming in his face, he walked away, and he's been sitting next to me ever since. Finally, Sarah called it a night and went to the other room we had booked. Meanwhile, Mitch was still in there talking to Harry.

It's been almost two hours since we've been here, and not much progress has been made. I'm still trying to conceptualize everything that has occurred in the last few days. I almost feel ridiculous for overthinking it all, but how could I not? It's almost as though I was lied to by everyone around me for my entire life, and now the cat's out of the bag. Harry does coke. Used to do coke and then relapsed. As toxic as it was to blame myself, part of me does. Did the letter send him over the brink of doing such a thing? It can't possibly be my fault; he chose to do that. At the end of the day, that was his decision, and there was nobody to blame but himself.

But damn, I feel awful.

The night we had sex was now replaying in a film sequence over and over again within the darkest parts of my brain. The touching, the dirty phrases, the rubbing, the smooth kisses against my neck, it wouldn't go away. I hiss and flinched every time I'd picture it, but now the problem wasn't remembering what happened anymore. Rather, it was knowing he was high as he fucked me, and I wouldn't be surprised if he thought I was another woman. Like I was some lifeless body bag for him to release his stress.

What was worse was the reality that I desired to go in there and console him, tell him everything was going to be okay. He's no longer my homeland anymore, though. It's not my place to kiss his forehead and hold him till he falls asleep. No matter how much I wanted to. And I fucking hate to confess that. Does that make me vulnerable? Pitiful? He makes my head spin, and not in a good way.

"I'm sorry," Niall mutters, taking another swing of the bottle and making me jolt my head over to him. "For what?" I scoffed, a sarcastic smile as I shrugged my shoulders. He looks over at me and offers me the bottle. I grabbed it without hesitation, threw my head back and took a large gulp.

"I don't know, I just can't believe what you're going through or what you're thinking," Niall whispers, playing with the hem of his shirt.

I softly nod, not knowing how to answer him, "What happened, Lilah? I mean...I know it's not my fuckin' place or anything but damn. I just didn't expect to hear what I did. I remember thinking something was up the night of your nineteenth birthday, but I shook the idea because I thought to myself, 'that can't be fucking possible'."

I couldn't help but let loose a snort, "Oh, believe me, neither did I, Niall. Neither did fucking I." My head shakes, hanging low. "It was awful...." I choked out, biting my lip as I looked out the screen door into the midnight sky.

"Do you wanna talk bout' it?" He asked, giving me a gentle smile.

"I've never talked about it with everyone, honestly. Maybe it's about time...." I close my eyes and take a deep breath in, "Take your time, Li. I'm all ears if you want to, and this will stay between us." Niall reassures me, rubbing my shoulder. I nodded, pinching the bridge of my nose.