Setting Fire to the Stars (a MM Sci-Fi Romance)

Chapter 4: Doubt

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Peter
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I would like to sincerely apologize in advance for everything.

- From the First Log of the Peter Ducane Files (*CORRECTION BY L. E. : HOW COME HE GETS FILES WHILE I GET STUCK WITH DIARIES?!)

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What the hell am I doing?

My head fell back against the concrete walls of the tunnel as Lauren stopped shaking, slipping into unconsciousness. I felt his chest rise and fall under my hands, warmth slowly returning to his limbs. Carefully, I wiped away the last of his tears, pausing to brush back the hair from his eyes. The mousy strands felt soft between my fingers. I briefly wondered what it would feel like to run my hands through it, to tangle my fingers in his locks.

Fuck. No. Not this shit again.

A sigh tumbled out as I dropped my hand from Laurens' face. God, I thought I was past this. How many times must I push him away to avoid these thoughts? How many days had I shoved by him in the hallways only to be reminded of the dreams that plagued me every night? Dreams of whispered sweet-nothings mixed with soft touches and so much more.

How many years have I spent desperately trying not to want him?

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The day Lauren told me during our sophomore year of high school that he was gay, I was genuinely thrown for a loop. He was interested romantically in other guys? So did that mean these feelings I didn't understand, all the emotions I pretended not to feel, were actually normal? It was okay for me to like Lauren as more than just a friend?

My whole world had turned upside down.

With my heart rapidly beating in my chest, I left him there, alone in that hallway as I tried to wrap my mind around it. The only person. I could think to talk to was my uncle. I called him one night while I was home for winter break. Uncle Warren and my father never got along, not after he was kicked out of the house as a teen and moved to L.A.. After he started his successful bakery business, he cut ties with everyone in our family except for me. My uncle was the only one I trusted enough to talk to about my personal life. While on the phone, he had assured me that love was love no matter what gender, and even invited me out to his apartment to meet his partner, Josh, during spring break.

The call ended with me buzzing with excited to see Lauren after the holidays. I couldn't even text him because I was so nervous.

That is until, somehow, my father found out about my conversation with Uncle Warren.

Evidently, Dad hadn't thought too highly of my line of thinking. The first punch hurt the most. My father always hit hard and that time was no exception. He beat me to a pulp, shouting that he "didn't want a fucking fairy for a son". I'd tried to tell him I wasn't gay, that I liked girls, but the beatings just kept coming. He got a few extra hits in before my mother finally ran in, screaming for him to stop.

For all his cruelty and drink, my father never laid a hand on her. Instead, he preferred to turn his wrath on me, shouting about how I had ruined the holidays and that he never wanted to hear me speak like that again. Then he stormed into the living room, a six-pack clenched in his bruised fist. Mom stood frozen, face white as a sheet, sobbing as she watched me pull myself off the floor and drag my battered body down the hall to the bathroom.