Once upon a time Candace, Miriam, Lucy and, I sat fully clothed together in the copper soaking tub of a lushly appointed Las Vegas Hotel room discussing whether or not anal sex was an ok line to cross in a loving committed relationship.
Candace: Of course you will like it. Once your pussy gets tired, the fudge factory feels like a virgin again.
Miriam: Do you even remember what it felt like to be a virgin? That was not pleasant.
Lucy: I am gonna need more porkskins if I have to listen to Candace and my brother's sexcapades again.
Me: I just keep hearing Johnny Cash's "Burning Ring of Fire" play in my head every time he goes for the brown.
Lucy: *Crunch*
Miriam: *Sob* Let's be friends forever.
Candace: Ok, time for bed Miriam.
***
Ten years and a couple of kids later, while our friendship was still strong, our vaginas were another matter. Our conversations had changed just a wee bit and get-togethers like Vegas took more than an act of congress to organize.
Me: My least favorite chore is, hands down, cleaning the dishes.
Lucy: The animals and their various hidey holes in my house.
Candace: How many do you have now Luce?
Lucy: Too many.
Miriam: Laundry. I can't even describe the odor coming off of Bobs' socks after basketball without wanting to throw up in my mouth.
Candace: Driving the kids to their activities five days a week and then standing outside during soccer practice pretending I give a damn that Joey has punched that kid in the throat again.
Miriam: Don't you?
Candace: No. He's finally tall enough to fend for himself. I am proud.
We had at least managed to organize a bi-weekly lunch date at the Cheesecake factory that was 10 minutes from Candace's bookshop She Reads and 15 minutes from the satellite campus where I adjunct taught for the Chemistry department for State University. Both Lucy and Miriam worked from home which meant they could set their own hours and would be the subjects of merciless ridicule if they missed our lunch date. The lunch that started the experiments began like any other.
Miriam: Why don't we do this more often?
Lucy: Traffic.
Me: Statistically we should do it more often. The 60 minutes we spend here and in traffic is roughly 4% of the day. Or if we calculate by the week ... 0.6% which is barely anything when you consider how much time in a person's life is spent watching television.
Candace: Nerd.
Miriam: 4% of a day spent on something just for me sounds really sad when you put it into perspective.
Lucy: What about the time you spend at the gym? Isn't that you time?
Miriam: Do I look like I go to the gym more often than I see you ladies for lunch?
Candace: Luce, only you would think working out counts as "Me Time".
Lucy: I happen to thrive on the adrenaline rush I get from exercise.
Me: I can think of some other things I would rather do to get an adrenaline rush.
Miriam: You are inhuman if you think running out of breath on a bike that isn't going anywhere is an adrenaline rush.
Lucy threw a French fry at Miriam.
Lucy: What about sleeping? Does that count as "Me Time" for you three?
Miriam: *Sigh* sleeping through chainsaw Bob is not "Me Time" either. God I miss business trips.
Miriam downed the rest of her non-alcoholic strawberry tea as if it were a shot of tequila.
Candace: Separate sleeping spaces has certainly done wonders for my marriage.
Lucy: How did you manage that, Candy? Jonas needs to cuddle with the lights on for a good fifteen minutes before falling blissfully to sleep.
Me: Maybe you should try the Cry- it- Out method on your husband.
I had no idea that what I had said in an offhand comment would start The Experiments. But then again, I often do not know what is going through someone else's head when they listen to me, as evidenced by the number of students currently failing my Chemistry Level 2 course. While Miriam tried desperately to stifle the juice shooting out of her nose in her laughter, Lucy had latched on to something.
Lucy: How would that go? I didn't even successfully sleep train the twins.
Candace: You have two six -year -old girls and a husband sharing that bed of yours?
Lucy: No, just the husband. The girls moved out to their own place when they turned five. Something about their creativity being stifled.
Miriam: You could always stifle Jonas.
Candace: But then our next lunch would be visiting Lucy in jail.
Me: Does anyone here like sleeping with their husband?
Candace: Well, I do enjoy burying my ice cold toes in that spot behind Paul's knees and listen to him squeal like a stuck pig.
Miriam: Bob says the coldness of my toes defies physical nature.
Me: That might just be Lucy's answer.
Lucy: We could Sleep Train them all.
Miriam: We could House train them.
Me: Like a series of experiments. Report the results to each other, reflect, adjust until we get the appropriate outcomes.
Candace: You're not going to write a research paper on our husbands are you Jenna?
Me: I could if our results are sound.
Lucy: If I get a good night's sleep, our results are sound.
Miriam: Ditto.
Me: First step, Lucy's icy foot bath.
Miriam: Next step, The World. I have always wanted to say that.
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How to Housetrain Your Husband
ChickLitThe Most Important Thing: We've been friends for over a decade. We laugh. We drink, and we get raunchy, even though by now we are also moms. We meet as often as we can to share the ups and downs of our lives. We trust each other. And if it were up t...
