Always You | Tyler Joseph

Chapter Five

"When he gets older, he might be the one."

January 2002

There are moments in time when one can feel like a spectator to their own life. Like hovering, out of body - just far enough away to feel disconnected.

Lennon felt this way when her father told her that the doctors had found a tumor in her mother's brain.

It wasn't yet fatal and, with the right treatments, she could still have a long life expectancy. Her father explained the specifics to her in the best way that he could, but Lennon couldn't hear most of it. It was like the feeling she gets from being underwater, barely able to make out the sounds coming from the surface.

Her dad expected her to cry. He expected her to be upset or to lash out, but Lennon felt nothing. She stared at the pale white wall in front of her, counting as many of the small bumps as she could.

"Lennon, we need to talk about this," her father said, tears in his own eyes.

Lennon didn't say anything. She ignored her father and walked robotically up the stairs to her bedroom.

Her, once pink, walls were painted over with a dark gray. She had outgrown the childish whims of bright colors, and settled with a monochromatic theme. The older she got, the duller she felt.

She sat on the floor, leaning her back against her bed and pulling her knees to her chest. She tried to make sense of everything. She tried to comprehend what was happening, but she couldn't seem to grasp it. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there by the time she heard a soft knock.

"Lenny? It's me." Tyler's voice was muffled by the door. "Can I come in?"

She didn't answer, but Tyler came in anyways. He sat beside her, mimicking her position.

"Do you just wanna sit here for a bit?" Tyler asked, knowing now wasn't the time to talk.

Lennon nodded, and the pair sat in silence as the minutes ticked by. It wasn't uncomfortable or heavy. It was just quiet. A comforting kind of quiet.

"I don't feel sad," she spoke, after some time. "I don't feel scared. I don't feel angry. I don't feel anything at all."

Tyler stayed silent, letting her talk.

"I feel like I'm floating. I don't feel connected to my body. I don't feel-"

"Real," he finished for her.

"Yeah," she agreed, looking over at him. His eyes held no pity or judgement. They gleamed with understanding.

"I want you to try something," Tyler said, turning his body to fully face her. She did the same and he reached for her hand, placing it on the worn out carpet beneath them. "What does the carpet feel like? Describe it to me."

She ran her hand over the rough material, thinking, before saying, "it feels coarse, but there are still bits of softness in it. I can feel the extra fuzz sticking up from it. It tickles my hand."

"Good," Tyler smiled. "Now this," he said, moving her hand to the half-empty water bottle by her bed. "What does this feel like?"

She gathered the condensation with her fingertips and said, "it still feels cold, and a little wet. The bottle has a lot of indents in it, and the place where the label peeled off feels sticky."

"What about this?"

He brought her hand to his chest and pressed her palm flat against it. She smiled to herself, feeling the consistent rhythm thumping beneath it.

"I feel your heartbeat," she told him. He smiled at her and moved her hand to her own chest.

"Can you feel yours?"

She nodded, the steady beat calming her. She felt grounded. There was blood pumping through her veins. She was real.

"Your mom is really sick, Lenny," Tyler said, gently. "How does that make you feel?"

Reality seeped back into her bones and sucker punched her gut with grief. All at once the flood of tears came rushing out of her and Tyler pulled her tightly into him. He wanted to protect her - as much as a thirteen year old could.

"I'm so scared, Ty," she cried, clutching him tighter. "I don't know how to do this."

"I know," he whispered, rubbing circles on her back. "Your dad wants you to go see her."

"I can't," she sobbed, pulling away from him in a panic. "I can't see her hooked up to all those machines. I don't want to."

"What if I went with you? I could stay by your side the whole time. It's not so scary when you aren't doing it alone," he told her.

She sniffled, wiping the snot from her nose with her sleeve. Peering up at him through tear soaked lashes, she asked, "you promise you won't leave me?"

He grabbed her hand tightly, promising her, "I won't leave you. I'll never leave you. Never, ever."

Slowly, she nodded. "Okay," she agreed.

She kept a tight hold on Tyler's hand as they walked down the stairs. Her father got up from the couch as soon as he saw her and wrapped her in his arms. They both cried, and Tyler stepped back to give them space.

"I promise I'm not going anywhere, kiddo," her dad told her, holding her at arms length. "I'm always gonna take care of you and your mom, okay? Always."

He hugged her again and asked if she was ready to go. She looked over to Tyler, who gave her a reassuring nod.

"I'm ready," she told him.

Her dad grabbed the car keys and she grabbed Tyler's hand again.

"You'll be by my side?"

He nodded.

"I'll be by your side."