light in the dark ; mileven

9.

EL.

no tears, el. no tears.

my eyes closed, i took a deep breath and i opened the small heart shaped tin.

my door was closed, max thought i was sleeping.

i took out the little stacks of letters, the stickers and the other small gifts from him.

shaking my head, i wiped my tears that already started to appear and i began to read through them.

dear el. my sweet shooting star, tangerine lover.

well, i know this isn't a special day. perhaps it doesn't feel like it for you but i wanted to tell you how proud i am of you for being the top in our year.

you're insanely smart el, and i wanted to tell you first thing.

you're truly amazing, star, don't let anyone else tell you different.

they're fucking idiots, el. you're beautiful and you're smart.

i'll see you in fifth, i just wanted to remind you of how amazing you are!

yours, mike. ♡

i covered my face, wiping my tears away as i moved onto the next one.

one from when they were way younger.

hi el!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so i'm sorry my handwriting is so ugly.. you weren't at school today and so i wrote this in class without you :(

elllll i missed youuuu

without you, troy was being mean again!

i hope you feel better though, the flu needs to back off!!!!!

bye el, hope you feel better soon!

hugs and more hugs!

i laughed quietly and shook my head before i placed everything aside and decided it was enough for the night.

i needed to get some sleep anyways.

i switched the lights off, leaving the lamp by my nightstand still on then i slipped under the covers.

i couldn't sleep in the dark.

like the absolute dark.

if there was a window that shined in brightly then it would've been fine, but the absolute dark? i couldn't.

it gave me panic attacks each time i tried again.

till eventually, i decided i just couldn't anymore. and that i should just live with the fact that i needed a little light in the dark.

♣︎

"you're reading those letters again?" amos asked me as he peeked over my shoulder whilst i sat on the kitchen counter.

"yes," i answered quietly and folded those letters up before i placed it into the tin again.

"you okay, little sis?" he asked me and i nodded and leaned down to his hand that was cupped on my shoulder.

he called me little sis because i was younger than max.

when max came along when i was eight, he wasn't sure how to call us.

he wanted us to feel apart of the family still, like we were actually siblings so he called me the little sis.

and max was his sis.