The Other Parker

Part 13

At some point, words aren't enough. I heard the words echo in my ears but nothing sticks. I look at the ring on my left hand and wondered what would've happened if he was here. I stay silent the whole ride home until we get there. Even then, the only words that let my mouth were "I just want to be alone." Steve of course, let it be but Stark wouldn't let go. I retreated to my room for the next few weeks. That was the darkest place I'd ever been in a while. It was a place I hadn't gone to since I'd met him. The place of doubt, blame, anger, hatred, and one of harm. However, it was the place that nobody would bother me in. Except for Rodgers. He was the one who seemed to care even a little bit, even if it was tough love. He was the person who understood what it felt like to lose someone and not know if they had survived or if they died. He was the one who got me out of bed on the mornings where it was just too hard, he was the one who got me to shower for once, he was the one who sat at the table to ensure that I wasn't alone and make sure I was eating, or to encourage me to do little things like swim or read. He became a father to me. And then there was Tony, the person who understood the place, not the feeling. Instead of being strict he became more of a moderator of the place. Like if I was drinking, he would check the achohol levels and make sure I didn't have to much. He would check on my wounds and make sure that I realized that cuts wouldn't do anything about guilt. He would let me drown my sorrows in other things because he knew that it could help but in small amounts.

Eventually, I had to move on but I never took off the ring. It felt like if I took it off it would be finalized, that he was dead and I didn't love him anymore. Which wasn't true, I loved him with all my heart and still would until my dying breath. And there was no certainty that he was died after all, he was just missing. I tried not to get my hopes up but his story didn't add up. So, I did the only thing I could; throw myself into an investigation about his sudden disappearence. Even though I couldn't even say or hear his name aloud without feeling sick, I did. Because when you love somebody that much you can't just give up. You hold onto every hope that you have, even tiny detail, every single memory, every word. Why? You just can't. You realize they're gone but you won't accept it. It's to awful or unlikely when really it can happen to anyone. You will it not to be true but suddenly, it is and the line between whats real and fake become smudged. You can't control how you think or act because you don't know how to live without them but you somehow are expect to.

Wanda and I stayed the same but there was an unspoken barrier. She for the most part was fine. Her recovery was faster than mine because of one factor; She had Vision. Or less specifically, a person to confine in, to comfort her, to help her, and to ease her. I had nobody to talk to because they all disappea just as he did. Lila and Ava started dating which took up most of their time because they were off doing who knows what. Wanda was off on missions or avoiding me for the first 6 or so months. Banner only did exams once a weekk to make sure my grief wasn't causing any other issues (health wise). Steve was so focused on getting me ready for regular life, he forgot that it's hard without anyone. And Tony, he did the most by being my drinking buddy and listening to my rants. It wasn't that hard to be there for me and general took 10 minutes with Tony. The rest of the team didn't know me enought to care.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself and threw myself into work. I tried to do everything I could to distract myself from him but it's all a disguse. They can't see that behind the fake smile and makeup lies a 21 year-old who suffers from insomnia and crys about her dead lover every. single. day. 

Until one day I didn't have to