And We Go On

Begging

It had been 6 months since we finally ended the war on our universe. Six months of trying to have the whole world readjust back to a normal life. All the people that came back from being gone for 5 years, trying to make sure they were taken care of.
We all know how well that can go sometimes.
But I had my own things to work through too. Steve was gone, for good this time. There were still a lot of days I cried over it. Over losing my best friend, someone who had taken care of me for those 5 years. But I knew he was happy, having been able to finally live the life he wanted.
And then there was Bucky.
We found out in the middle of all the chaos, that he and I were soulmates. It had been a long journey to get to where we were now, but we were happy together.
Well, as happy as we could be. Poor Bucky. With Steve gone, his nightmares had been almost unbearable. Per the agreement he had with the government, he had to go to therapy to talk about it all; make sure the winter soldier never came back out. But I can’t say it helped much.
He wanted to make amends. He had a notebook of people to somehow make amends to. I never asked about it. I knew it was his thing he needed to handle. But it didn’t make trying to help all of this easier. It was like he shut down and shut it all off.

I lay in our bedroom awake, listening to the TV sounds and listening to him thrash around. There were often nights he felt terrible for keeping me awake, so he would go sleep on the floor in the living room. He couldn’t understand that I wanted to be near him, no matter what was going on.
Finally I hear him stutter awake, breathing heavily. Another memory dream. Or nightmare I should say.
I slide myself out of bed and walk into the living room, where I see him sitting up gasping for breath, drenched in sweat. I gently walk over to him and sit beside him, my back facing the wall. I cross my legs against each other and slide behind him, and gently pull him down so his head lays in my lap. His breathing is still ragged, and neither of us say a word. Instead, I gently lay my hands on each side of his face, gently caressing his check with my right thumb. I repeated that motion as I leaned by head back against the wall and closed my eyes, trying to allow both of us to fall back asleep.

When I awoke the next morning Bucky was already gone. I knew he had therapy today, and he usually did some sort of meeting on Wednesdays too. I assumed for his atonement. I got off the floor and stretched out my sore muscles, and got ready for the day.
______________________________
During the last several months, I’ve tried my best to live up to Steve’s legacy, and Tony’s, and Natasha’s. I think we all had. Trying to make sure everything they did meant something.
This included me. There didn’t seem to be as much of a need for superheroes like me anymore. But that didn’t stop me from making sure I was ready if I was ever needed.
Clint helped me a lot with that. Thanks to his teaching, I was able to change how I used my powers. I’d always loved using bow and arrows, and thanks to him I had a special bow. It was compact so it was easier to keep on me, and strung with a pliable string that wouldn’t break. And my arrows? I was able to concentrate my ice powers to make solid arrows. Very similar to those shards except way cooler - in my opinion.
It was hard to get out to see Clint, but we video conferenced a lot while I practiced so he could give me pointers. And since he couldn't be here, he made sure he connected me with a local guy that trained me extensively in hand to hand combat. Clint found it important that I know both long range and short range.
I couldn’t begin to tell you how helpful it was. Especially since it helped me still feel useful whenever I saw Sam.

Sam was busy doing his own work with the Army. He would be sent out on missions using his gear and he was becoming quite the notable hero. I was so proud of him.
I would call him every so often to check on him or meet up with him if he was around. Today was one of those days.

“The world has been changed forever. A few months ago, billions of people reappeared after five  years away, sending the world into turmoil. We need new heroes. Ones suited for the times we’re in. Symbols are nothing without the women and men that give them meaning. And this thing,” Sam reached down for the shield that was resting against the podium. “I don’t know if there’s ever been a greater symbol. But it’s more about the man that propped it up. So today, we honor Steve’s legacy. While also looking towards the future. So, thank you, Captain America. But this belongs to you.” Sam says with finality as the crowd applauds. They take the shield and carefully put it into the glass case.

The crowd slowly disperses and I finally walk up to Sam, giving him a small smile. He smiles back and we hug, friends who haven’t seen each other in a while.
“You look good Sam.” I comment. He gives me a shyful laugh, and then Rhodey walks up to us. He looks at me, gives me a nod, then turns to Sam, “Take a walk?” Sam nods to him and I say a quick goodbye as I head out myself.
____________
Bucky walked into the door several hours later, head down and silent. He always was on these days.
“Hey.” I attempt to greet him. He doesn’t even acknowledge me for a moment. I internally sigh. He had been so shut down since Steve left. He was finally free and yet he looked even more trapped than before. As he walked into the apartment he finally looked up and saw me. 
His eyes and face softened as he just stared at me.
“I know I’m not supposed to ask because I know the answer. But are you okay?” I quietly ask. He doesn’t say anything, but instead just kneels on the couch next to me and pulls me into a hug. I’m a little taken aback, but then relax into it and allow him to put as much pressure and effort into this as he needs.

The next day Bucky said he had something to do all day and that he’d be back later. It was unusual that he was out all night, but I wanted to trust him so badly that I never questioned him. Instead I decided to call Sam, knowing he was probably back home.
He told me he had arrived safely, how his nephews were, and the problems they were having with the boat and money.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked. Sam and his family, I adored them. I didn’t want them to have to go through anything difficult.
“No, I got this. You know me, to the rescue. Like always.” I laugh at his response.
“How’s Bucky?” He asks after a few moments of silence. I outwardly sigh.
“I don’t know Sam. It’s a mixed bag. He’s so shut off but I also know he still cares for me. I’m not really sure what to do.” I confess.
“Listen, trying to adjust back to a normal life can’t be easy. But if you ever need a break, you know you’re always welcome here.”
“Thanks, Sam. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? You have a good time with your family.” I smile through the phone.
As I hit the end call, I sit in the small apartment in silence. I checked the clock and showed it was much later than usual, even for Bucky. I got a bad feeling in my gut, and decided it wouldn’t hurt to go out for a little bit. If I ran into him, then so be it.

I walk a few blocks down what I know to be the usual path for Bucky. Aside from his separate atonement missions, as he called them, he would walk the same way. Especially on Wednesdays when he would meet someone for lunch.
The night feels chilly so I stick my hands in my pocket, huddling into my jacket a bit more. I watch a police car drive slowly down the street, obviously just doing patrols. I glance around at all the shops that are either dark or have some lights inside. In the middle of the street, I see a small restaurant with a pretty blue light. I walk over to it and peer inside, and then my stomach bottoms out. I see Bucky alone in there with a woman - appearing to be a waitress. There are flowers on the bar, and they are both drinking while she cleans up.
I don’t even know how to comprehend what I’m seeing. I tried to be so understanding of what he was trying to do to make up for the guilt he felt. But I didn’t expect this. To go on what looked like a date of some sort. I stood there paralyzed as I watched the two of them talk. Then I see Bucky slowly look behind him, looking nervous. I quickly duck out of the window and wait till the count of ten.
Then I peer just enough around the corner and watch as the two of them get settled in to play a board game and chat. Was he telling her his life story? How long has this been going on?
I feel my face get cold as my tears start streaming down, chilled by the winter air. I feel frozen, but then I hear the chairs and table moving around after some time. I quickly turn my back to the door and pull my hood up to hide my features. I very slowly start walking back home as I listen to Bucky exit the bar. I think that he is going to come this way, and I ready myself with what I’m going to say. But then I hear his footsteps going hurriedly in a different direction.
A part of me is relieved because I was not ready to face him after what I just saw. I still couldn’t digest it.

I quickly jogged back to the apartment and stood in the door, letting my body warm up. I was lost. Remembering earlier, I quickly texted Sam and said I was heading over and that I’d explain later. I ran to my bedroom and grabbed a bag, threw what I needed into it and zipped it up. I carried it to the door then stopped. Should I tell Bucky where I was going? He’d be worried about me. But then again, maybe not enough. I make a disgusted face and decide if he needs me, he’ll find me, and I rush out the door.