⚠️TW⚠️: if you are sensitive about subject such as mutilation, depression and suicidal ideas or if you are in a state where you are sensitive or have black ideas, my story may not be made for you.
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Suicidal thoughts: Nov 25, 2020 -... 15 January 2022
Depression: Early December 2020 -...15 January 2022
This moment when you burst into tears alone in your room, that you are sitting on the ground into a small ball trying not to scream and not to make too much noise. Lack of self-confidence is because of all the fucking remarks I have and receive in everyday life. And unfortunately the person who laughs, who speaks a lot and who always seems happy may be the same person who cries in the evening, in his bed in silence. No one really knows you by heart, some know your secrets, some your past, some your sorrows, your successes but not many know all. It's sad to say... but maybe we should have remained foreigners. Pain never disappears, you just learn to live with it. I would like to shout how broken I am but instead, I remain silent and smile. I'm so broken that I'm at the point where sometimes I don't feel anything anymore... Sometimes everything I would like, that I'm told "I love you", "for me you really count" or "t so cool", I know it looks silly the same but it helps me to have confidence in myself sometimes. And sometimes I would just like to be loved and for people to face me to notice their love for me. Sometimes I lie down on my bed and start crying so hard that I have to put my hands in front of my mouth so as not to make noise. I would always say "It doesn't matter don't worry" even when it's serious and hurts me. I am often told that I look happy to laugh for nothing, to smile at every face to cross in the street and to speak loudly. But we don't know that the more I smile, the better I'm not. Just look at me a little. I speak, laugh, smile and despite that, the pain and memories don't go away. Sometimes when I go wrong, black ideas go through if and there. There are just times when I don't know, if I saw a car rushing on it, honestly I don't think I would have the reflex to get out of it, because honestly I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm disturbing everyone, and that I'm still Plan B. But honestly, I think everyone doesn't care enough. At the moment I don't feel anything anymore. I don't care about everything. I am neither happy nor sad. Just empty. The question I ask myself the most is what would have happened and who would I be today if... lots of bad things had not happened to me?!?! I have the impression that every time I fall in love, I am pushed back, it's not reciprocal. I still live it. Because I would always remain the girl..., small, funny, who likes to take risks... but no more... Why? And well, I don't have the answers myself! The guys just don't like me at the moment. I'm really sorry for my parents, my little brother, my friends, my friends, my Best and my family relatives... if I don't yet have much self-confidence, if I'm not always easy to follow, understand and don't love myself very much. It's going to end up coming..., isn't it? I guess...? I just have to give myself the time, heal, take back my life in hand a little more, change a little more, turn the page for good this time and love myself. The truth is that I don't really love myself. I look like the girl who loves herself, who says "I am as I am" and who takes risks all the time, but basically I hate myself, I hate myself. Sadness, denial, anger, extremely joyful momentarily, all this is emotions I live every day, every week, every month. Have you ever written a message and then in the middle you say to yourself "you know what to drop they don't care" and you erase it. I do everything in the air..., as I do every time...! You have already laughed and then start crying and then cry more and more until you feel like you never have the strength to move again. To be honest I no longer know where my mind is and where I am, so tired I am, because one day I am happy and the other I am completely broken. Have you ever thought about committing suicide?! Have you ever wanted to open your veins, mutilate yourself and even mutilate yourself until you cry and suffer?! Have you ever pushed people back because you were afraid to make them suffer?! Have you ever cried for a whole night?! anyway... I just feel like I'm waking up from a long dream that lasts 6 months. The feeling of being abandoned. Not to understand anything. To have the impression that you are almost no longer a full-fledged person, just no longer being anything. To become invisible again. Keeping photos and videos for fear of forgetting your faces and the sound of your voices. I often say bye dryly, not because I'm busy or not, no, in real facts, it's because I don't want to disturb the person, because I've often been told "stop talking", "you really bother me there" where still "you don't have other friends or what". I feel nothing more sometimes, for example my best friend text me crying or angry, nothing happens it seems and it's the same for everyone to me it looks like. I am exhausted and tired. It's annoying when you open up to someone and talk to them about your problem and they answer you "well there's worse in the world"! Yes, but you just try for a few seconds to put yourself in my place anyway! Or when they answered you, "yeah I know I know what you live" and they just talk about them after that! I've always wondered why we always have a lot of people who pay attention to us when we are well and when we go wrong, there are almost people.
