This Isn't Real

Chapter Three

It felt as if I were suffocating as I sat there on the cold, wet concrete in front of my school. I struggled to breathe, and it had nothing to do with the rain that was pouring down the front of my face alongside my seemingly never-ending tears. I wished it were though, as that was far easier to explain to someone compared to the fact that it had to do with the hole that now resided in my chest. I could have sworn that it existed, but I knew if I looked downward that I would see nothing out of the ordinary. From this moment forward nobody else would look at me, and know that I was dealt the most devastating news of my life. Nobody else would see the hole in my chest because it was invisible despite how deep it felt to me. 

I don't know how long I sat there in pure numbness, staring through the blurriness of tears and rain before I finally became aware of the voices behind me. They were distant, but I wasn't too sure if that was because they were far behind me, or it had to do with the sound of the rain drowning them out. Perhaps it could be because I was so dissociated with grief that they seemed further away than they actually were. It could be all of the above as far as I was aware. 

"Ms. Jackson..?" I heard it again, but more clearly this time. Were they getting closer, or was I tuning in better all of a sudden? 

As I slowly looked up I became aware of the fact that the sun was beginning to come out now, the storm slowly coming to an end. It made me...angry to see it. How dare it come here, take lives, and then just ditch like nothing happened? What made it think that wanted sunshine now? Why...? What was the point..? 

Fresh tears entered my vision just as I heard the sound of footsteps coming up behind me. 

"Ms. Jackson..?" There was that same voice that called out earlier, a gentle hand coming down to rest on my shoulder a moment later. "I'm so sorry...but we need to come with us.." He spoke gently towards me which I appreciated. It didn't help to ease the numbing pain in my chest, but I think they all knew that as well. 

"Okay.." I could only manage a whisper, feeling his hand fall away from my shoulder once I spoke. It took a lot of effort, but I was soon able to get myself back on my feet. I was completely soaked, water dripping off pretty much every surface as I stood up. Everything hurt to the point where I couldn't find it in myself to care though. As I turned around I noticed that the officer closest to me was holding my backpack. I must have either left it behind, or dropped it. I couldn't remember which as everything was so blurred now...meaningless. "I can take it.." I held my hand out toward him, eyes downcast towards my bag. 

He hesitated for just a moment, but handed it to me soon afterwards. "Would you like to change beforehand? My partner has some spare clothes in the car." It was a kind offer that I was about to decline, but as I looked down at myself again I realized that I was going to be drying out anytime soon. It would be kind of gross to get into the car, and walk around smelling like a wet rat the entire time, wouldn't it? 

"That uh...would be nice." I gave a small nod alongside my verbal agreement, and the following twenty minutes or so consisted of me following them to the police car where I was given some clothes before I was allowed to go back into the school to change. I found a bathroom off to some corner, and dived inside before anyone could possibly spot me. It wasn't an entirely long process to change my clothes, but I did end up breaking down all over again once I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror just as I was about to leave. My eyes were all red, puffy, and my hair was darker, matted down from the wetness that still sat within it. I looked like a brokenhearted puppy that was just abandoned on the side of some road. Apparently that wasn't a great thought process to adopt as it almost immediately had me crumpled against the counter as sobs wracked my entire body. This fucking sucked.. 

Eventually I was able to pull myself together again, and leave the bathroom with my backpack in tow alongside the plastic bag that was given to me to set my soaked clothes into. I would get an opportunity to dry them apparently as I was told by one of the officers. It wasn't something I wanted to think about now though, the future that is. I could barely handle the present as so plainly showed when I broke down after merely catching my own gaze in a mirror. I definitely wasn't prepared to even think about what followed today.