Some Of Me Started Loving More Of You

A JOURNEY BACK

|| CHAPTER FIVE ||

Kyun milti hai nazar...kyun hota hai asar...kyun hoti hai sahar

Na tum jaano na hum... Na tum jaano na hum...

NIDHI WAS aware of the music playing. After few fail attempts of talking to her Arjun had turned the music on but still his gaze was shifting to her every after few minutes, checking if she was okay. She wasn't okay, she was horrified when she jerked back in her seat, and feeling of terrible anxiety crashed her, captured in the strong grip of panic she wasn't able to think. For a moment the worst thought blanketed over her ceasing her ability of thinking rationally. But soon after Arjun started the vehicle again she closed her eyes, took deep breaths and let the cool wind wash over her, and then she forced her mind to think, wiping away the emotional haze, that was preventing the practical details she had discussed before taking a decision of coming here, slowly those facts penetrated. Nothing can be as harmful as your anxiety, she recalled the words, traveling in hilly region or any physical activity was not a problem as far as she took care of her emotional state. Physically she was fit, nothing bad could happen. She reminded herself over and over until she felt her heartbeat normalize. To calm her senses more, she focused on the outside view, lush green tea garden rested on the steep hill slope, clear blue sky and fresh air, the nature was breathtaking and it like ministered to relax her mind. Her gaze shifted to Arjun and met with those studious grey eyes, not exact grey, she reflected. She had this another discovery that his eyes kept changing colors, it's like a blank canvas adopting the color light brought into them, sometimes slightly blue, sometimes greenish hue or even hazel. Wow! Now I have become an eye analyst she chided herself when he just blinked before shifting his focus back on the road.

'Um...bottle' she asked for water bottle and he calmly passed it to her. She took few sips while recalling the incident. Even in her panicky state vaguely she was aware of the slight touch of his fingers, the concern in his eyes, patience he was treating her with. Even after the way she yelled at him or ignored his every attempt of conversation, he was still calm and she could sense concern in his eyes.

'I am sorry Arjun' she finally spoke, struggling for a moment she decided to reveal at least a tiny fact, 'Recently I am having this sudden anxiety attacks' She mumbled looking away. Feeling vulnerable, she had never thought would happen to her, it took time to accept it to herself but letting others know was altogether a different thing, she wasn't ready for it.

'Nidhi...' Arjun called out before turning the music off, 'it's okay to admit that you are not fine' he assured as if understanding the battle she was fighting, 'Sometimes it helps to let other see your authentic self, it takes courage.'

'No...' She shook her head still looking away. Not feeling strong, not able to get hold of the rushing emotions, and fighting for control, that every attempt was making her situation worst. 'This is not my authentic self, Arjun, I used to understand myself well, crying over something, I don't even remember that happened to me ever' She let her thoughts out before she realised the details she was sharing would raise many other questions.

'It's not true Nidhi...' He said and she turned to look at him finally, 'no matter how much we try to avoid it, but we all are vulnerable, that is how we all are born, it just the process of growing up force us to discard vulnerability'

She chuckled humorlessly, 'You are wrong!' her affirmation made him glance at her quizzically, 'Even as a kid I had never been vulnerable, emotions never weakened me even if I tried' And that confession brought back a deep rooted memory, how much she had tried to feel something but that just never happened. She looked away, she couldn't give the permission, even to herself, to dig deep into that memory. It was permanently buried along with all her emotions, from that day she had never tried to feel connected, she had never felt the urge until now. 'We should stop this conversation, this is making our trip boring' and more importantly the discussion was disturbing her emotional balance. There was a long silence before Arjun glanced at her and she gulped, the intensity in those eyes weakening her resolve