All the Lonely People

Chapter 1

Pain. All he could remember, all he could feel, was deep, unwavering pain. Ringing inside of his head were the foolish words he had spoken years before. "Freedom...freedom is life's great lie." Freedom. It was something he craved with every fiber of his being. How he dreamed of walking out the doors of his cold, gray room, unshackled from the tethers of imprisonment, into the gleaming rays of the sun. His situation, he must admit, could be worse. He could be trapped inside an Asgardian prison with his mind and the occasional familial visit to keep his sanity. Here, on Earth, despite being constantly surrounded by the meddling, so-called heroes, he at least had the privilege of free roaming; free roaming within the confines of the electric fences surrounding the complex, at least. It was more than his self-deprecating side, or, more realistically, his last shred of morality, believed he deserved. By every logical argument, he should not be here. He should be locked away in the farthest, deepest, darkest pit the Avengers or Odin could find, where he couldn't even begin to fantasize about freedom.

Freedom. The taste of that word sat at the tip of his tongue. How he longed for it. It meant more to him than the absolution of his sentence or his responsibilities. It was forgiveness, acceptance. Perhaps then, he could be freed from this pain, from the tortures that ran constantly through his mind. Behind the darkness of his eyelids, he could see the Mad Titan's sinister grin. Within his skull, he could feel the titan's wretched fingers ripping through the recesses of his mind. Any sense of self, any hope for a higher moral ground was manipulated and twisted to fit Thanos's will. There were days he wasn't sure which parts of his mind were him, which were his cause, and which were the mad ramblings of a zealot. To say that his brain had been Swiss cheesed would be an understatement. If it wasn't for the constant work the Avengers assigned him, he was sure he would've descended into madness long ago. It was a terrifying thought.

Unwilling to live within this hypothetical scenario his anxious mind was now creating for him, Loki instead decided to take a walk. There was one place in this cold, gray building that brought him any sense of comfort in the times when his brain chose to torture him. It was a zen garden. It sat unassumingly in the middle of the Avengers complex, never occupied by any being other than himself. He assumed the others who lived here were too busy or self-assured to need such a peaceful place as this. He often wondered, though, why Stark would create such a space if he had no intention of ever using it. Still, it wasn't like he could complain. This place was his safe haven in a realm of unfamiliarity. It was the place Loki felt he could truly be himself.

He took his seat on a large, smooth boulder that sat in the middle of the soft sand. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. The sweet and gentle scent of Japanese cherry blossoms filled him with joy. The sound of the bamboo rods knocking against each other sent a wave of peace over his overactive mind. The complete and utter stillness this place always seemed to possess brought him to the state of calm he had been craving all day. With another breath, Loki felt contented. He gently opened his eyes and gazed upon the light of the moon and stars. As he examined the moon and all its craters, a thought popped into his brain. "Am I the moon?" It was a question that puzzled him. It wasn't anything he had thought of before. However, the more he thought about it, the more he believed it to be true. He was the moon. The light, the power, the dignity he embodied was nothing more than a mere reflection of whatever was sitting in front of him. When he was on Asgard, it was Thor. When he sought to be King of Earth, it was Thanos. Now, it was the Avengers. "I will never be my own person...will I?"

Loki shook the thought out his head. Of course he was his own person. Of course the power and greatness he possessed was his own. He was not a mere puppet for other's enjoyment. He made the decisions that he did because he wanted to. Why else was he stuck on this miserable planet if it was not to face the consequences of his own actions? "I am no pawn."