oh. [sashanne]

{three}

TW/ internalised homophobia

I sit on my bed, legs pulled up to my face, for about 10 minutes as soon as I get home.

What am I supposed to do? Text Anne "Hey, so I was gonna prank you with that kiss but then I didn't 'cause I kinda wanted to kiss you but not, like, in a gay way or anything."

She'll probably cry. I mean, she probably already is. There's really nothing I can say that would tell her I'm straight that wouldn't break her heart. I feel bad for her.

I literally don't get why she likes me. I could get why someone would like her, she's beautiful, sweet, funny, caring and just perfect. But me? She like, really needs to get her eyes checked or something.

I can't bring myself to text her, so I text Marcy.

kweensasha_08: mar mar

lostmymarbles: YesssSsSSssSS

kweensasha_08: does anne

kweensasha_08: does she like me

lostmymarbles: It wouldn't really make sense if she didn't like you, I mean you guys kissed.

kweensasha_08: pls don't tell anne this but

kweensasha_08: i was gonna prank her and pretend like i was gonna kiss her but then she cupped my face and stuff and i forgot about the plan and i can't figure out what to say to her

lostmymarbles: Why ask me for advice on talking to people? Out of all people, Sash.

lostmymarbles: I guess you should just tell her what you told me??

kweensasha_08: k

I scream into my pillow and facetime Anne. My heart thumps out of my chest and I feel a cold sweat washing over me.

"Um." Anne mumbles as she answers the call. She's got her phone tilted up so all I can see is her forehead and her ceiling.

"So... about the bathroom thing...." I stutter out, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

"I'VEHADACRUSHONYOUFORAWHILESASHSORRYIDIDNTTELLYOUSOONERDOYOULIKEMEBACK" Anne scrambles out, her voice wavering. What am I supposed to say? Definitely not the truth. I'm not a lesbian or anything. Why did I like kissing Anne that much? Why do I love her like I'm supposed to love Jacob? Why do I want to kiss her again? What's wrong with me?

"Slow down. I need to think, Anne." I mutter, hanging up and slinging my phone across the room. I screech into my pillow and kick at my bed like a toddler who's had their iPad taken away.

I finally roll over and whip my phone out, grinding my teeth.

"am i gay quiz"

I bite my lip and inhale sharply as I scroll. A rush of shame washes over me as I click questions. Honesty sucks. ESPECIALLY this.

The results load for a bit. My hands are shaking.

"You're probably bisexual."

Those words stare at me and I blink at them. Am I bisexual? I did enjoy kissing Anne. But maybe it was a one time thing? And I like guys. Maybe I can just like guys and not Anne.

I screenshot it and text it to Marcy.

kweensasha_08: um

kweensasha_08: so.. can you help me

lostmymarbles: Yeah the quiz is right, Sashimi

lostmymarbles: Though that quiz seems very inaccurate and stereotypical, it's not wrong.

kweensasha_08: not helping my struggle, marbles

I sigh and go to bed.