Alone | Jake Sim x OC

Let Me Cry

It was dark when Isabella returned to the Belift dorms, Trixie behind her and bag full of groceries she'd bought on the way home. Sunghoon greeted her when the door opened.

Honestly, her heart sank the smallest bit when she saw it wasn't Jake, but she reprimanded herself immediately. Sunghoon was amazing, and it was probably for the best she didn't see Jake. Sunghoon grinned.

"Guys, Izzy's back!" He whisper-yelled up the stairs, and Bella felt a wave of guilty affection when she heard the thumps and ow! coming from the direction where the boys were. 

"Hey Izzy! How was your day?" Jay gained his composure fastest. She laughed, suddenly thinking of the plan she made and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Was it right?

No, she couldn't think like that. It had to be right.

"It was good, thanks. How's Jake?" Isabella blinked, realising that she couldn't be that obvious, she couldn't ask about or have anything to do with him anymore. "And Niki. And you guys?" Izzy cringed inwardly, acknowledging just how mean that sounded. Jay smiled at her, and she wanted to relax. But of course, she couldn't.

"Don't worry, we understand. Niki's been okay, he missed you. He's currently asleep upstairs with Jake and Sunoo; Jake couldn't focus today. He'll be happy to see you again." Isabella laughed. Of course, it was good to know Jake was fine. He was okay, and what she was about to do wouldn't hurt him and Niki was fine and they were all going to be fine without her and she would-

"That's good. Oh well, it's late- I hope it's not rude of me to go..." She had to get upstairs and away quickly or her resolve would weaken, she had to do this now. 

Jungwon smiled at her, and she felt Trixie wind around her legs. 

"No of course, you've had a long day. Promise to tell me about it tomorrow?" Isabella knew there was no way to keep that promise. She nodded weakly, unable to lie to his face. The package she ordered caught her eye, the key for her plan to lock everything out. 

"O-of course. By the way, that..." Immediately Jungwon handed it to her, holding her gaze curiously before she dropped it. There was something inside her that seemed to reach out and beg Jungwon not to let her do this, to plead with him to stop her from-

"Thank you." They wouldn't forgive her. She would destroy any relationship she had with any of them, for sure. A hand rested on her shoulder. 

Immediately she flinched, resisting the urge to curl into a ball and hide. It was just Heesung. 

"Do...you need me to walk you up?" No. No, no, no, I can't do this. 

"N-no, I'm fine thank you. Sorry for disturbing you, you're probably very busy and it's late." This was it, she was snapping, she wasn't going to make it, she needed to go upstairs now, she had to go now or she never would. 

Forcing a smile, her hand shook on the railing. Jake had been the one to tell her to be careful, to always use the railing so she wouldn't fall over. She could sense Trixie obediently padding up behind her. 

As soon as Isabella reached the room, she ushered the cat inside and closed the door, locking it. It only took a few minutes to install the new locks and stock the mini-fridge with all the food and water bottles she bought. She set the cat food next to the door to the bathroom and checked that everything was running smoothly, from making sure there was enough battery in the alarm clock to checking the bin was empty. She collapsed on her bed, exhausted. 

Trixie stalked up to her, jumping lithely onto the bed next to her and curling up in her lap. 

"Meow." Isabella laughed dryly. 

"Hey Trixie. Am I a bad person for doing this?" The cat's pale green eyes stared straight through hers, it's whiskers tickling her thigh. 

"Meow."

"I thought so. I'm terrible, I don't deserve to be Jin's sister, I don't deserve Enhypen. You know what I do deserve? Everything that's happened to me, everyone left for a reason after all. There's no way someone as amazing as Ja-"

"Meow ):<" Trixie reached up and gently nipped Isabella's knee. 

"Hey, ow." She frowned at the cat and sighed. Trixie almost seemed to glare at her. "Okay, I'll stop talking bad about myself."

She flopped backwards on the bed. Her chest felt tight. She grabbed  bottle from the fridge, eyeballing the 2L apple juice container, but deciding against it. She would need sustenance for the next however long, and it was best not to drink it all now. 

Gulping down the cold water her eyes began to prickle. This had to be the right decision. Her plan had to work, because this was going to be a very lonely stretch for her. At least she had Trixie.

Sighing, Izzy stood up. Her feet padded softly from the bed to the wardrobe across the room. She rested her hands on the handles for half a second, the cool metal biting at her hand. Opening the doors, her eyes landed on a certain shirt hanging up at the end.

It wasn't her intention to remind herself once again of what she was doing, but there were reminders of him everywhere.  She was going to change into her pyjamas and sleep, but life had other plans.

The hoodie, sweatpants and shirt Jake had lent her on her first night with them were dangling innocently from their coat hangers. Silent sirens dragging her off the safety of the land she stood on, and down into the sea until she drowned in the swirling waters of these feelings. 

Izzy's hand trembled for a moment, before she snatched them and slammed the doors shut. Quickly she showered and tugged on the clothes; a small part of her felt guilty for keeping Jake's belongings but she ignored it. 

Softly her hand reached for her phone. The screen flashed on, the bright light momentarily blinding her in the dark of the early morning hours. The time 1:27 am displayed on the screen, and she swiped to unlock it. Izzy scrolled through all the notifications from TXT and Jin, telling them she got home safely and confirming her wellbeing. She would lie as many times as she needed to, and bury the sick feeling rising from her stomach.

Powering the phone off, Izzy placed it face down in the first draw and closed it. Gently pulling the covers back, she layed down on the bed and wiggled under the blankets, feeling a weight heavier than the covers settling over her. 

She'd cut off communication, installed the locks on the door and stockpiled food and water. 

Trixie curled up on her feet, her chest rising and falling as she slept. As much as Isabella wanted to sleep, her eyes stayed open watching the cat, thinking about her decision, thinking about Jake. She didn't want to think about Jake, she didn't want to be so unreliable, she didn't want to be so scared that she would once again be left alone.

Her throat tightened.

Please, God, just let me cry. I want to cry, maybe then I could feel a little better. Let me cry. 

Her eyes stayed dry, staring at the pristine white of the ceiling. A beautiful, clean colour, a kind of perfect she could never be. Desperation flooded through her, hopelessness screaming from somewhere inside her. 

Please let me sleep, let me cry, let me live like a normal human. Let me love like a normal person, please.

She only realised she fell asleep when she woke up.