Slip Away

I can feel you slip away (like I knew you would)

"You're exhausting."

Buck turns around on the bed, trying to shut out Eddie's voice. He's forgiven you , he told himself. Eddie has already forgiven you.  

Then why was it so hard to believe? Why was he still agonizing over this even months after Eddie has gone back to talking to him?

"The rest of us have our own problems, you don't see us whining about it."

He clenched his eyes shut. 

He knew he had fucked up. He realized that when that lawyer began using all the personal information Buck never wanted him to use.

 He knew that right there in that office that he created a tear between them that will never mend. No matter how much Eddie pretends to have let it go, he couldn't have. Not really. Not in his heart of hearts. And Buck was left waiting for the other shoe to drop in the meantime.

This isn't what Buck wanted. All he wanted was to be back with his family. He wanted to be back on the job, back by their side so they won't forget about him slowly and leave him in the dust. He managed to fick that up even more.

"Somehow we just managed to suck it up."  rings Eddie's voice in his head. "Why can't you?"

He's trying to be better. He really is. He never complained when given chores. He never whines about his problems to the others. He is trying to suck it up. He is trying to be there as much as he can for Eddie, trying to make it up to him and Christopher. 

But there's still this coil of anxiety in his chest. Fear that he's one fuck up away from losing them completely. That one day Eddie will have enough of him and just... leave.

Buck's not a stranger to people leaving him. Nobody ever really stays. Not Maddie, not Abby, not Ali. No one really wants him for that long. His parents never really liked him. It's gotta be him, right? There's no other explanation for why it keeps happening. He's the common denominator.

But the thought of that happening with Eddie - the thought of Eddie just leaving him one day - he doesn't think he can survive that one. The thought that one day Eddie and Christopher won't be in his life anymore - that they wouldn't want him in theirs ? It makes it hard to breathe. Creates a lump in his throat.

And he loves them, okay? He loves Christopher and he - he loves Eddie. He stopped denying he is in love with his best friend a while ago. How can he when the way his heart flutters every time he's around the other man proves him wrong whenever he tries.

So he holds on as tight as he can. He loves Eddie quietly and waits for the day the rug will be pulled from under his feet.

**

The moment thirty feet of mud crashes down with Eddie at the bottom, Buck feels like all the air was stolen from his lungs. 

He fought against Bobby's hold, desperately trying to get to his best friend. 

Later, at the hospital, when he was finally sure that Eddie will be alright, it was like all the strings were cut off him. He sagged onto the chair besides Eddie's bed. He was there long after the rest of the 118 has left. He was still there when Carla brought Chris in the morning before school. He was still there when Eddie was cleared and discharged in the afternoon. Eddie didn't seem to mind, and for that, Buck was grateful.

**

The shoe drop comes in the form of Ana Flores. Smart, kind and gentle Ana Flores who Eddie doesn't talk about much but everything he says about is perfect.

Buck feels sick.

Out of all the scenarios he pictured for Eddie slowly cutting him out of his life, this one was the worst.