Slip Away

Heart lying in my hands

Eddie can never have enough words to describe Evan Buckley. The way the man has ingrained himself in Eddie's (and by extension Christopher's) life was unexpected. Something Eddie didn't know they needed until he was there and now Eddie couldn't imagine a life where he isn't. 

Eddie often wonders at the ease at which Buck came crashing into their lives, tilting Eddie's whole world off its axis. Or maybe fixing it from where it was tilted the wrong direction. He came in sauntering with his curly sunset blonde hair and oh-so-blue eyes and wormed his way into every Diaz's heart. He fit so well, like a missing puzzle piece you can't try and imagine wasn't there.

There was no "Oh" moment. Not really. It wasn't as much of a sudden realization as it was a gradual build up. 

Eddie thinks he did a good job of pretending that his feelings for Buck were nothing but strictly platonic. That he and Buck were just best friends. That he wasn't in fact slowly falling in love with him. He's been wanting more with Buck for years now, probably ever since Buck drove him to get Chris after the earthquake. But he somehow managed to keep it on the DL and pretend it was nothing. To bite his tongue when people flirt with Buck on calls instead of doing what he really wants to and telling the world to back off because this one is his .

And he was scared. He was scared of ruining what they have because although he knew Buck wouldn't cut him out of his life if his love was indeed unrequited, it would still make things a bit awkward. And if they were returned and they tried and failed, it would be just worse. 

So Eddie kept silent about it. And when he ran to Ana Flores during the shift from hell, he took it as a sign from the universe. A way for him to move on from Buck.

The universe does not scream. His words to Buck echoed back to him, and often at that, planting a seed of doubt. But he ignored them. He has to move on. He has to. He can't lose one of the few good things in his life.

He knows that's not a good basis for a relationship, but he's trying to make it work. Ana is cute, smart and kind. And Chris loves her.

And he gets to keep Buck. He doesn't ruin the best friendship he's ever had because he can't control his feelings. Or so he thought.

Which is why Eddie was confused and a lot hurt when Buck started pulling away.

It wasn't obvious at first. Just a couple of cancelled plans. Maybe not usual for them, but Eddie didn't really think much of it. But they kept happening. Buck would always have somewhere to be, someone to see. Eddie just chalked it up to himself being paranoid. Because what reason would Buck have to avoid him?

But as the weeks went by with him barely spending any time with Buck, Eddie knew for sure he was avoiding him. Because why else would Buck be slinking out of rooms whenever Eddie enters? 

And they don't touch as much, is another thing Eddie noticed. He didn't know how much casual tactility there was between them until it suddenly stopped, leaving his skin itching for Buck.

Buck is the absolute best thing in his life, only second to Christopher. And being away from him made Eddie feel so lost. It felt like he lost a part of himself. Every time Buck pulled away it was like salt to an open wound, and Eddie didn't even know what he did so he could fix it. 

He tries to talk to him. But every single time, Buck just waves him off saying nothing is wrong. Or plain out pretend someone else was calling him.

So Eddie has been distracted for a few weeks now. And Ana probably has started to notice. Hard not to when he keeps zoning out during their time together. It's just - it's Buck. Eddie and him have been living in each other's pockets ever since they met. To suddenly have that ripped away from him is bound to make him out of sorts.