I Wish I Had Her Life

12.

"You can choose which bed you would like to go to. Sabi sa akin ng Daddy mo, gusto mo daw sa mga malapit sa window?" Tanong naman niya sa akin. Or I'm not sure if she's stating a fact. Pero, my Dad was kinda right.

"You were asking my Dad about me?" Tanong ko sa kanya at lumingat ako sandali dahil aayusin ko pa 'yung mga gamit ko sa side.

Nakaupo lang siya sa bed and I can sense na nakatingin siya sa akin. And, medyo kinabahan siya sa tanong ko. I'm not sure why. Is she scared of me or something?

"Well..." Paninimula niya, at napahinto ako sa ginagawa ko and trying to listen sa kung ano man ang explanations na sasabihin niya.

"Well, I just asked random questions on how to handle you if any case na sa akin ka mapunta during your workshop. Your Dad was the one who shared a lot of stories about you." Ngumiti siya and I hide back. I feel like I'm a little bit disappointed with what I've just heard. So, hindi niya talaga ako gustong makilala? Sobrang pabebe ko kasi. Sobrang OA ko kasi. Ito na nga siya, oh. She's willing to know me. Pero, grabe. Para akong nasaktan na hindi ko alam.

"Ako 'yung gusto mismong makakilala sa'yo. I want to discover your whole-self on my own. Kaya, I'm not asking any questions. But, if you would like to stay friends with me, or to just be a relative. I'm here if you let me know you. Tutulog muna ako, ha."

She sounds soft. Crap, I badly wanna hug her so badly. Parang gusto kong maging sabik sa isang Nanay. Pero, nangunguna pa rin ang galit sa akin. I have to admit that I badly want to hug her. However, I really am not ready. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. There's so much risks that I have to take.

She closely closed her eyes para makatulog. Ang kaso, nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. I'm not yet done unpacking things. Pero, gusto ko lang siyang titigan. My heart is filled with happiness. But, I have so much doubt. What if malaman ng anak niya na may anak siya sa iba? Ng mundo? Her career would be wasted.

I need to call my Dad. I need to call her, I need to have somebody to talk to who would never invalidate my feelings.

Dialing...

"Yes, anak?" Sagot niya as he answered my call.

"Can I ask you something?" My tears are starting to show up. Pero, ayaw kong ipakita sa kanya or marinig man niya na halos nagbre-breakdown ako. I don't want him to be worried.

"Anything, anak." Sagot naman niya, "You okay?" This. I want to avoid it. He sounds so worried about me. Alam kong hindi siya sa sanay sa mga ganito kong actions. But, I'm starting to show my clinginess. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa fact na may pag-asa na mabuo kaming pamilya.

"Dad. I'm okay." Narinig ko naman na napabuntong hininga siya na as if kabado siya sa isasagot ko. "I just wanted to ask you something about my Mom." I bit my lower lip and I have never been nervous in my entire life.

"What about your Mom?" He sounds so calm and sweet. Parang natutuwa siya that I finally ask something about our family. My Mom, perhaps. Or the fact that I started calling Lea as Mom.

"Well, she happens to be my mentor." Paninimula ko. And, I can imagine my Dad's face being clueless of the things that I have just said. So, I have to explain further.

"I just recently joined a workshop from the time that I got upset. And, she's my mentor. She's now sleeping and I'm at the outside of our room kasi I'm talking to you."

"Okay..." My Dad sounds like parang may gusto pa siyang itanong. "What is the problem if your Mentor is your Mom? Gusto mo ba mag-back out? Aren't you comfortable? Do you want me to call the director for this show?"

Napailing ako as if na nakikita niya ako sa pagkakataong ito. "Dad, no. I mean, I'm okay with that." Napapikit ako, I'm not sure if I can tell him. But, I have to. For me to know what to do. "I just... want to be clingy to her. Kanina, when she fell asleep, I wanted to hug her. She sounds so nice. She said that she's willing to get to know me. She's going to wait until I am ready."

"I know it, anak." Sagot naman niya. May sasabihin pa sana ako. But, I want to hear his thoughts. Narinig kong nagbuntong hininga siya as we speak. "You're not ready to face her as her daughter, aren't you?"