The Nunya School of Disappointments

edward x alex

edward was hopelessly in love with his best friend alex. 

alex was super funny, had cool hair and smelled like twigs.

edward was planning on confessing his love to alex by doing a crazy complicated dance number and singing at the same time.

"and a one two three four," Edward counted as he began dancing for alex.

Alex watched in awe as Edward performed a very intricate and beautiful dance for him.

At the end when the dance was finished, Alex was visibly crying from how beautiful the dancing was.

"Be mine? You can be my silly goose?" Edward asked Alex, whipping a flower bouquet out of his ass cheeks.

Alex blushed so hard he turned into the tomato from Veggie Tales.

"Oh my god that's so embarrassing. But yes I'll be yours!" Alex said in tomato form.

Edward picked up the dripping crying tomato Alex and gave him a kiss. But he accidentally ripped a bit of the tomato face off and so Alex died.

Edward was consumed by his grief and how he could loose his silly gooose lover so quickly so he ended up fleeing to America to join the Cullen vampire coven.

There, he had to repress his gay urges and ended up hooking up with a moose after he became a vampire.

He lived out his days bitterly homophobic and also depressed.

He carried around a jar of moldy tomato remains that broke open one night.

So after that happened, Edward went to the werewolves and they tore him apart and ate him. 

The end!