Lemonade Mouth - Ingredient Change

Stella: A Sincere Apology

I don't know how to feel about this, honestly. Mo is my best friend, and saying I like her will likely damage the friendship we have. She definitely doesn't feel the same way that I do, so why take this risk?

I stepped into the music room that we often used as a practice room after school hours. No time to dwell on this, so I'm just gonna go in there and apologise to everyone.

Everyone turned to glare at me, likely because I'd messed everything up at our last practice, and I couldn't blame them. But I had to fix this.

"Hey, everyone. I know that a lot of you are really upset with me right now, and that makes sense, but I want to fix this."

Everyone's eyes widened. Mo turned away, and I looked at Olivia instead. I'm not dealing with Mo right now. I couldn't care less about why she isn't looking at me. I don't want to look at her, anyway.

But I knew these were all lies. I wanted to hold her in my gaze, and I wanted her to look back at me. I wanted to hold her and never let her go.

I shook my head.

There isn't time for that, Yamada! Focus. All you're delivering here is an apology. No kisses. No matter how much you want to.

But -

I said what I said, Yamada.

 I fixed my gaze back onto Olivia, who was clearly puzzled. 

"I meddle in way too much, and if there's anything I can do to fix this, please let me know. Again, I'm really sorry for doing all this."

There was silence, and then came Mo's whisper, "There's nothing you can do, Stella. It's all ruined."

Later, alone, I contemplated exactly what Olivia knew and didn't know about my love life.

Honestly, I don't know, I thought. Olivia might be nice about it, but that's not likely. The world is set on their beliefs of what's normal, and lesbians, like me, are not part of them. There will always be people that hate people like me, and I can't tell anyone about who I really am. I can't afford to lose any of my friends, especially not someone like sweet, delicate Livvy.

But I can't keep living like this! I couldn't help thinking. How many times have I cried over seeing guys go out with my crushes, and how many times have I actually made moves on those girls? How many times have I been told that I'll find someone to love? Yet, how many times have I been told that girls shouldn't like girls, and that I'll never find someone if I think like that? How many times have people told me I'm abnormal, freakish, idiotic? 

I'm not risking being told off again. I've heard it before, and I know it now:

Girls don't fall in love with girls.

But then, what am I?

Is this all a lie?

I want this to be true. 

Where's my "happily ever after"?

It's nonexistent.

 I want to hold hands with a beautiful girl and never worry about the reactions I'll get. I want to get to know one, not as a friend, but as a girlfriend. I want to walk down the aisle, knowing there's one waiting for me to spend my life with her.

But that's never gonna happen, not with the world being this way.

 I should just stop dreaming about something impossible.