Forbidden Alliances // Alfie Solomons Peaky Blinders

(65) Ocean Currents

*edited 03/15/23*

Freya had hung up the phone and even though his voice seemed to break her, the silence was worse. She groaned, grasping handfuls of hair as she tried to stifle the crying. She whipped her head up and gasped for air, feeling as her heart beat in her ears and fingertips, feeling like the air was being ripped from her body and all she was capable of doing was cry in defense.

She groaned, not appreciating the all-consuming panic, and forced herself to her feet to pace the length of the room. The world felt cold and despite the feeling of it being vast and preoccupied with the parasites of people, there was no one in sight. It was just her. She was alone. She was alone, crowded by nothing but books and an unlit fire. She was alone and still, she couldn't breathe enough oxygen to fulfill her lung capacity.

The room started to spin but she wouldn't stop pacing with her hands to her skull and grabbing the sides of her head as she focused on her feet, rushing to move her body from one end of the room to the other.

"Fuck!" she cried out, finally falling to her knees as she toppled over and clung to the floor like a baby to its mother's arms. Her head was pressed to the floor as she curled in on herself like a piece of parchment to a flame.

The ground seemed to rock her and cradle her in its arms as she sobbed and screamed and blubbered into its ear. The ground listened and didn't expect anything more.

The world felt achingly greedy to swallow her whole and as much as she willed it, she felt like she was sitting in suspense for hours. It was like sitting on the world's tongue, like she knew what was coming and she wanted to feel it take over but it never would. She would be cursed to live the rest of her life, however long or short it may be, dwelling in suspense with a knot in her belly just waiting... waiting... and waiting...

When her crying had yielded, it felt as if a switch had gone off in her head. It was like her emotions were heightened to one hundred and when the panic attack subsided an hour later, it was like there was no more pain.

She sniffled and pulled herself up, sitting on her knees before she got to her feet. She wiped her face and stared blankly at the books decorating the rows and rows of shelves she had in her library. There were hundreds of novels that reached the ceiling, all of which consisted of books she had purchased on her own, some she had stolen from people, and others were inherited somehow and were left unread.

She appreciated the room before she walked into her bathroom and left her panic in the library as she faced herself in the mirror. Her face was puffy, her nose and eyes both red with irritation, and her fine lines were more prominent around her eyes and lips. She worried at her lip as she attempted to avoid her own gaze and splashed some cold water on her face.

Everything started to physically hurt. Her head was pounding, her eyes were heavy and swollen, and her chest felt terribly stuffy. She was exhausted and tired but she was more tired of feeling so cold, so numb, and so utterly tattered that she could let something as simple as trust get in the way of something as beautiful as Alfie.

She sighed, mindlessly moving from the bathroom to downstairs. Her body was moving but her mind was idle. It was frozen and at a standstill, numb and utterly broken. A hollow home inside a hollow home.

She had managed to find a pack of cigarettes and took it to the front door. She sat on the cold ground, her feet sitting against the concrete of her walkway as she sat on the second step, pulling the tobacco to her lips and inhaling. She was only wearing a long-sleeved shirt and a skirt, leaving her hands and legs exposed in the chilly autumn air but even the weather didn't seem to faze her.

She was very attentive, but not at all feeling the weight of her actions. She knew she had control but simply watching as her body worked without much effort was more alleviating than forcing herself to stop and think about repercussions, consequences, and the effects of her actions.