MEMORIES // B.E

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓

jasrya
then

it's the day after billie came over and wanted to spend the entire day with me.

i had to go back to my apartment this morning, so that i could work. i had left my laptop there, otherwise i would've stayed with billie longer. she said that she had things to do anyways though.

i finished up with my work about an hour ago. i've just been scrolling through my phone since then. i had texted billie, but she was yet to text back.

i played with juno for a while, watched an episode of the office, and scrolled through my phone some more.

at some point, i got a package. when i opened it, i grinned as i saw that it was a new phone case that i had ordered.

it's still kinda clear, so that i can see the polaroid picture of me and billie in it.

i took off of my old phone case. i slipped the polaroid picture into the new one, and i put the new phone case on my phone.

after i put my case on my phone, i checked through my notifications again. billie still hadn't texted back yet. i let out a sigh, which soon turned into a yawn.

i rubbed at my eyes. i decided to take a nap. i brought my phone to my room, and i plopped onto my bed.

🫂

i groaned lowly as i woke up. i yawned and stretched for a bit before i checked my phone. my brows furrowed as i saw that billie had tried to call me four times.

i should've heard her calling; my phone is never on silent.

i turned my phone over, and i looked at the side of it. my ringer was turned off.

i must've done that when i changed my case. fuck.

i turned my phone back over. i saw that billie had not only called me multiple times, but she had also texted "i love you." it was the only message she had sent.

fuck.

fuckfuckfuck.

i clicked on her missed calls. the phone started ringing. as it did, i got out of bed. i quickly pulled on a pair of shoes.

when she didn't answer, i tried calling her again. i searched around for my keys before i eventually found them.

i tried calling a third time. still no answer.

fuckfuckfuckfuck.

by the end of the third call, i had already made it down to my hotel lobby. i walked out to my car.

within no time at all it seemed, i was at billie's apartment. i used my key to unlock the door.

it was eerily silent. the only noise that could be heard was shark's low whining, which made my brows furrow.

i walked to her bedroom. shark was sitting in front of the connected bathroom, and he was whining.

"bil?" i called out as i walked over to the door. i tried to open it, but it was locked from the inside. "open the door, baby."

no answer.

"billie," i tried the doorknob again. "can you please answer me, love?"

i leaned my head against the door as i tried to listen for something, anything. again, there was nothing.

"billie!" i banged my fist against the door. "open the door! please, open the door!"

still, there was no answer.

i couldn't help the tears that started streaming down my face. i used my shoulder in an attempt to get the door open.

"open the fucking—" i stopped as my voice cracked. "don't do this to me, bil, just open the damn door," i cried as i still tried to get into the bathroom.

when i realized that it wasn't going to work, i stopped for a moment. my chest heaved up and down as i glanced around the room. i spotted something on her vanity, and i grabbed it.

i attempted to pick the lock. i knew how, but my hands were so shaky at this point that it was hard to do it.

when i eventually did get the door open, i immediately felt sick to my stomach. there were empty pill bottles on the counter, and billie was laying on the floor.

i immediately dropped down onto the floor next to her. when i grabbed her hand, i wasn't met with the warmth that i've grown so familiar with. her hand, along with the rest of her body, was cold.

the next while was a bit of a blur.

i pulled her into my embrace as my body shook with sobs. i whispered to her that everything was going to be okay, though i think i was more so trying to convince myself of that.

i could barely pull my phone out to call the ambulance. when i did get on the phone with them, i was so choked up with sobs that i struggled to tell them what apartment we're in.

the next bit was a full blur. i don't really even remember getting into the hospital.

i was sitting in one of the chairs, and i was still sobbing. claudia and finneas had tried to hug me, hold me, and try to calm me down, but i wouldn't let anybody near me; i wouldn't let them touch me.

this is my fault.

if i wouldn't have went to sleep, i would've answered her calls.

if i wouldn't have changed my stupid fucking phone case, my ringer would've still been on.

if i would've just been a better girlfriend and helped her more, she would—

at some point, i was told that there were cut marks on billie's thighs. a lot of fresh ones, from even just this week.

at some way later point, i was also informed that billie had never even called about getting more of her meds like she told me she would. it had been months since she had last gotten them refilled.

i don't know when, but some doctor had come up to me. he had tried to tell me that "i'm sorry, we did everything we could..." bullshit.

i just sat there with tears streaming down my face. my whole body was still shaking with sobs.

this is all my fault.

it's my fault.

i'm so sorry.

i should've done more.

this is all my fault.

🫂

a/n 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

i've literally been dreading writing this chapter since i started this book 👩‍🦯

thoughts....?

just 2 more chapters left :((

any predictions for it?

words:
1080