Joffry

Chapter 1 | The Country

It was the 24th of April, and a boy of 17 just moved to a country called The Crapzvillian Union. The Crapzvillian Union was a union of New Kentucky, South Crapzville, Slusseland, and Duwang. Crapzville was close to a revolution at this point, but we'll get to that later. So, The 17 year old boy was named Joffry Starr, and he moved from Great Britain. He had to live with his uncle for a year because his dad had some business in America. Joffry didn't go to America with him because his dad was a jerk.

Joffry arrived in the airport in New Louisville, New Kentucky. Joffry was greeted by his uncle, his uncle was a tall, 37 year-old man who was very muscular, but he had a drinking problem.

"Hey, Joffry! My name's Uncle Dave!" said Joffry's uncle, "You have to live in my basement for the next year!"

Uncle Dave drove Joffry to his house, it was very small and bland; like, imagine the opposite of an old lady's house, that's how bland Uncle Dave's house was. They got there around the time for dinner. Uncle Dave ordered Chinese takeout for them both to eat. Joffry was starving after the flight, so he could eat anything in that moment. The dinner table remained silent for the next ten minutes. That is, until Uncle Dave chimed in with the most outlandish and inappropriate topic possible for dinner.

"So," Uncle Dave began, "Let me tell you about this one time I changed your diaper. I mean, that was the biggest turd I'd ever seen! That thing was as big as my forearm!" Uncle Dave continued while Joffry snuck away to his room (the basement) and prepared for bed.

Joffry began reading a book. The book was titled "Zä Kräpßvünçèr Fümèðèikäüs."It was about a family of a military Dad, a Grandpa, and a teenager. He read the entire book that night, and hated it. He then drifted off to sleep.

The next day Joffry had to go to his first day at his new high school. Joffry left the house and began walking to school. While he was walking, he ran into one of his classmates. He was close to the same height as Joffry, he had long brown hair, he wore a long red jacket, and a red hat that said "Cool" on the front. His name was Jirärd Izkèül.

"Hey, you must be the new kid!" said Jirärd, "My name's Jirärd Izkèül! I'm pretty sure we're in the same class, you wanna walk to school together?"

"Sure." Joffry replied in an extremely monotone voice.

They began walking to school together, they talked with each other the entire time. They eventually arrived at Crapzville High School, a large high school in the Crapzvillian state of New Kentucky. They swiftly arrived at their homeroom, class 420-CCCP. Their teacher was a middle aged man named Mr. Pringles. Mr. Pringles had a strange speech impediment that made it so that he couldn't say vowels.

Joffry and Jirärd sat down in Mr. Pringles's class, when Mr. Pringles began to speak to the class. "Hll vrybdy, my nm s Mr. Prngls. Tdy w wll b lrnng bt th hmn bdy." He brought out an old CRT and put a VHS into it. A video titled "Human Anatomy" began to play. A man in a lab coat began walking towards a chalkboard that was further away from the camera. The man turned around and said, "S ths prt s th tstcl, nd ths s th kdny." Joffry fell asleep after 5 minutes. But 5 minutes after Joffry fell asleep, the announcements came on.

The announcements said, "Good morning Crapzville High! Today's the best day ever! I'm totally not depressed about my wife leaving me or anything. I'm not sad that she took my children or anything..." The announcer began to cry, " just sing the national anthem to the flag!"

Kräpßvünçe, Kräpßvünçe, jä äüzèit!

Kräpßvünçe, Kräpßvünçe, ülmèiðènt!

Kräpßvünçe äüs zä mümèirländ!

Dèüx wèltèin kümbèinèn küm wün!

Amèrikä ündt Dèütschländ kümbèinèn!

Kräpßvünçe, Kräpßvünçe, jä äüzèit!

Kräpßvünçe, Kräpßvünçe, äüs ülmèiðènt!

Kräpßvünçe äüs zä ülmèiðènt mümèirländ!

Kräpßvünçe, Kräpßvünçe, jä wèi äüs!

"Wow, that national anthem sucked!" Joffry said loud enough for Duwangers to hear. Everyone looked at him for about maybe, half a minute? I dunno, I wasn't counting. But after they stared at him, they began applauding him for his bravery.

Mr. Pringles was so surprised by this, he said his first vowels, "Wicked, dude!" Mr. Pringles had said. Nobody paid any attention to Mr. Pringles saying his first vowels, they were too busy carrying Joffry above them.

Joffry walked back home, and Uncle Dave was waiting by the door drinking a beer. "'Ey Joffry! Sit down right 'ere." Joffry sat down on the steps next to Uncle Dave. Uncle Dave held an unopened beer to Joffry and said, "You wannit? It's still cold."

"Eh, what the heck!"Joffry replied while grabbing the can of beer from Uncle Dave's hands... It was lukewarm, but Joffry didn't say anything and just drank it (In Crapzville, the legal drinking age is 16). They spoke about girls throughout the night. Eventually, they both decided to go to bed. Joffry was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, which was mostly dripping pipes that needed maintenance. But he thought to himself, "What will living here be like?" Joffry then drifted off into his dreams about kicking over a dead rat while he played the fiddle.