Omigod...omigod...omigod...omigod.
In the past, the 'omigods' were accompanied by smiley faces and happy dances, but this time, not so much.
How could you be so irresponsible? You already have a friend who's had a baby with Down Syndrome. You'll be fifty-nine years old when this baby graduates; do you realize that's the age your grandmother was when she died? At a time when people your age are begging their children not to make them grandparents or they're becoming grandparents, you're bringing another child into the world? You're not freakin' Madonna. Or Halle Berry. Do you know how many problems this baby can be born with because of your age?
And your husband? How's he going to react to this? He was fine stopping at two, and this is number four? He's going to be ticked. He knows how sick you were with the others. He's not going to want to watch this again. No. Freakin'. Way. You can't afford another baby.
And the kids? They want a baby, but it's already hard for you to give each of them the attention they need. Poor Lyn is almost neglected because you spend so much time trying to help Lesa with her work. Timmy gets plenty of attention now, but when the baby comes, none of them will get enough attention.
And the timing! Idiot! If your husband is selected for command, you'll be moving right when you're due. You won't be able to look for a house because you'll be too far into the pregnancy to travel.
And you... your body is not going to handle this well. It never has done well with pregnancy. You're probably going to have full-blown gestational diabetes this time around, along with who-knows-how-many months of feeling like crap. What the hell were you thinking?
What is everyone else going to say?
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I attempted to push the negative thoughts aside. The thoughts weren't going anywhere.
"Mama." Timmy rushed into my arms and planted a kiss on my lips. I forced a smile then crawled off the floor and lifted him into my arms. He was the perfect distraction from my quagmire until he fell asleep.
With every second that passed, panic staked its hold over me. I needed to talk to someone, but it had to be someone I could trust with the secret that not even my husband knew. That ruled out so many people.
I checked Facebook and was relieved when one of my writer friends was online. I've never met Felicity, but I swear she's my sister from an English mister. I decided that she was probably the best person to turn to. We'd become friends over the past fifteen months and she was very dear to me. I could trust her.
Me: Omigod, Fel. I think I'm pregnant.
Fel: Oh oh oh oh oh oh my goddddddd!!!! Another one!!!! That's fabulous hun. #bumpenvy. That's bump envy not bum penvy. Lololol
Me: I don't know for sure...haven't told Tom. This would definitely be an oops.
Fel: Oops maybe, but what a lovely oops. Big hugs x
Me: I feel like I need a hug right now.
Fel: Aw, hun. So have you done a test? How far along could you be?
Me: I don't think I'm very far along, five, six weeks at most. I've been queasy for the past two weeks. I think the morning sickness is what's bothering me the most about this. That and I'm almost forty-one years old. There was definitely a plus on the pregnancy test I took.
Fel: Oh you have a +. Yikes!!! As a severe nausea sufferer I can imagine just how you feel. I was never actually sick, but oh I felt dreadful for about 17 weeks.
I know the thought of being 40 and pregnant is a little scary, but you are only two years older than you were when you had Timmy, so you are a spring chicken in my opinion. What do you think Tom will say?
Plus I loathe odd numbers so a family of six sounds better to me than a family of five. LOL
Me: I don't think Tom is going to be happy. LOL on the odd number part. :)
Fel: Really. I mean, I know it's not what you planned, but Tom is a great dad who loves his kids, one more ain't gonna change that I'm sure. Let the shock settle in and I am sure he'll be delighted.
Me: Thanks, Fel. I'm so nervous about this.
Fel: When are you going to tell him?
Me: Probably tonight, definitely by this weekend. I've been so queasy that I should've suspected sooner, but I thought I had what Timmy had.
Fel: It wasn't the nausea that told me I was pg the second time. It was the fact that my (.)(.) Felt like someone was doing trapeze on them. So bloody painful. Then the urgh feeling started.
Imagine if it's a little boy for Timmy. How fabulous would that be.
Me: I know...he'd definitely like a little one to play with.
Okay, I'm going to go do some cleaning. I think this is going to take me a few days to get used to. I'm old....
Fel: You aren't old, you are in your prime. I have to say that I am a little bit envious.
However another baby would mean major abdominal reconstructive surgery for me, so sadly I have to abstain and continue to do my pelvic floor exercises obsessively to stop anything dropping out lol
Me: For me it's the morning sickness. I was still nauseous when I was on the laboring table. My morning sickness with Timmy wasn't as bad, but it lasted the entire pregnancy.
I'll be excited about it once I can let it sink in...and definitely once I feel better. But...still really early.
Fel: Oh dear hun. Just think of that lovely new baby smell, the first time they latch on (ouch), those little milk blisters on their lips, their ... Aw
Me:
The flutters, first kicks. Them looking at you for the first time, grabbing your finger.
Fel: Plus you have two fabulous helpers now don't you who are old enough to really help.
Me: LOL...Yeah, I do.
Fel: That glazed look that suddenly focuses on your face and they smile.
Me: Okay, really gotta go. Thank you for chatting with me.
Fel: You are welcome. Here whenever. Good luck with Tom. X
Me: Thank you. I think he'll need two weeks to process it. I might need that long, too.
Fel: Hey, my eldest is seven and I ain't adjusted yet. LOL
The girls walked into the house and I clicked out of Facebook feeling much better mentally.
I was still a basket case as I helped Lesa with her two-digit multiplication and tried to keep Timmy from destroying Lyn's work, but at least I had my composure. The girls didn't suspect anything amiss, and Timmy didn't have the words to be able to tell them I'd spent most of the day crying.
I would tell Tom tonight. It would be better sooner rather than later.
* * * * * *
Author's Note: Yes, that was a real Facebook conversation with a dear friend of mine who helped me out of a really low point on that day. Thank you so much, Felicity. I really believe that you just might be an angel.
