Hellish Love

CHAPTER 2 : [1]

Do people actually find their true happiness?

Or they just get lost in finding themselves.

And the people around them, make them helpless.

Rather than helping them to fit in the shelves.

Those surrounded by the right individuals are lucky, deserving.

I always wonder why toxic people exist.

They do not belong in such world.

Maybe they do, the world is ferocious anyway.

Standing right in front of the mirror, both my eyes are intently running over the small details on my body. At this accurate reflection of mine, I could see a beauty. An ordinary woman on her two feet. A speaker of the voiceless. A protector of the defenseless. I look up to this lady, alright. She got those genes from the most gorgeous Aphrodite. This woman, right here, is one of the biggest role models I have. The role model I strive to surpass in the near future. A glow-up; I need that too bad. I know it involves the maturity of the mental health. Yeah, I certainly need it.

Beauty is confidence.

I lack at it.

My fingertips traced my skin, from my temple down to my jaw. My own orbs got stuck staring at itself. If my distance from the mirror is this near, my eyes look bigger, hence, it is more beautiful and doll-like. Yet if I am meters away, it looks smaller. Am I ugly when I am away from people? But I also hate people crossing the boundaries of my personal space. Both my eyes and my lips shrink, whenever I step backwards from this glass. It merely makes my nose appear bigger, wider, and longer. Something I never want others to notice.

I shook my head at those negative thoughts that kept on contaminating my head. I am gorgeous. Near or far, my beauty does not change. Opinions mean nothing if it is down-right criticism. My opinions on myself mean nothing. It is funny how I cannot apply my advices, to other people, to myself. No matter how much I would try, it just does not leave my mind every time I try to compliment myself. As if it is tattooed on my brain. I managed more than five years to let time remove it from my memory. However, my stupid brain does not seem to function.

If only my nerves are like a computer, I can delete everything and even remove it permanently in the trash bin.

"You look like a monkey!"

"How will men love you with that look?"

"Jesus, is this your way of torturing me?"

Those words are sick. You know why I cannot delete it? Because the files are too big. It succeeded on to creating a hole in my heart that I cannot fix it just like that for it is too large already. The once gentle heartbeat of mine quickened ever so slightly before my heart fell down, to my abdomen. It managed to return every thing. Sadness surrounded my organs. The grass I have pictured to be very healthy along with its natural green, seemed to have both of the brightness and saturation to be at the lowest point. Vignette too, to be more dramatic to an image. That describes my feelings.

Toxicity really is a toxin to a life of any human being. Imagine having someone believe that he or she is ugly and worthless when that is the other way around. Basically ruins his or her life for low self-esteem. I hate that. In the past, I thought I was fat because I was even called a 'pig'. Looking back at my childhood pictures, I was only a bit thicker than the others. All my life, it ate my head. Better thing, that I saw the light in the night for my eyes captured what is right. I could not wish that it occurred sooner because it already did. Plus, I am dealing with a whole new issue that somehow did not involve it and even if it did, I know what to do. A simple door slam would not hurt.