Home for Horny Monsters - Book Six

Caught in the Present

When Lily first caught sight of the Pacific Islands, two thoughts occurred to her. The first of these was that it was far warmer than the US had been, which caused her to start sweating under her hat. It had been easy enough to remove the sweat glands from her forehead, but that fudging hat was a different story. Over the last few hours, she had tried everything to remove the offensive article of clothing, but it refused to budge. She had even debated letting Tick Tock bite off the top of her head, but worried about getting bounced out of the time lock by doing so.

The second thing that occurred to her was that there should be daylight here in the islands. There wasn't. In fact, it was just as dark as it had been when they left the east coast of the U.S., and there was no rational reason for it. Curious what Santa Grim would offer as an explanation, she asked him about it.

"It's Christmas magic," he explained as they descended toward the first island. "It does what it needs to do."

"Fudging figures," she muttered as they approached their first home. Cerberus hovered in the air about ten feet over a shack on the beach. Death pulled out Santa's list and reviewed it.

"Okay then, we need presents for Mabel, Rose, and Timmy." He looked at Lily expectantly.

"Those are some very white names for Polynesia," Lily replied, not sure what he wanted from her. "You sure we've got the right stop?"

"It says here they are on vacation from Maine," he informed her. "And if you could grab their presents from the bag, that would greatly speed things up. Poor Timmy is worried Santa won't find them this year. It's a good thing we're on the case."

"Somebody kill me," she groaned, then smiled upon realizing that had gotten past the filter. "So I have to look through the bag for their gifts?"

"Just stick your arm in and think of those names," he said.

"Lots of people are named Rose," she argued, but shoved her hand in Santa's bag. A package was shoved into her hand, so she removed it.

"The process is very well automated," Death told her, holding out his arms. She handed over two gifts for Mabel, one for Rose, and then three for Timmy. Death's arms were very full as he moved towards the edge of the sleigh.

"How are you getting inside?" she asked.

"Christmas magic." He winked and stepped backward off the sleigh. The tails of his cloak fluttered out from beneath Santa's coat like the wings of a crow before he struck the roof hard and slid across its surface. Death dropped all of the presents when he spilled off the roof, landing face down in the sand. His bare bony legs kicked out as he struggled to extricate himself.

If Lily had been inclined to help, it still would have been impossible. She was laughing so hard that she had crouched down in the sleigh, clutching her stomach as tears rolled down her cheeks. It was a good minute before she could pull herself together and look back over the side.

Death had managed to free himself, his skull twisted into a scowl as he picked up the presents he had dropped. He shook sand out of his sleeves, then brushed the presents off. Somehow they had all survived, though the wrapping paper on one of Timmy's gifts was torn.

"You're supposed to be Santa Claus, not Sandy—" Lily ducked out of the way as Death hurled a stone at her. Cerberus let out a series of snorts that could have been laughter.

"This is why you got coal for Christmas," Death declared as he tried to turn the latch on the front door. It clicked open and he wandered inside.

A few minutes later, Death returned, pausing to shake some more sand out of his hat. Cerberus lowered the sleigh to allow the Reaper to get in.